Are You Trapped in a Sexless Marriage?

You may have noticed a new relationship topic popping up recently: that of the sexless marriage.  Experts define a "sexless marriage" as a married couple engaging in sex no more than 10 times per year.  More and more advertisements for drugs are being invented to help us increase our sexual desire.  How-to guides in the form of books and articles are being written to help us ignite the intimacy that (apparently) 15% - 20% of us are lacking these days.  And it's become a hot topic on television shows such as The Today Show and Dr. Phil.

So what's causing this sudden drop in sexual performance?  Are we bored with sex?  Are we too tired?  Have we chalked sex up to another thing we have to cross off our to do list?  No one knows the exact reasons for the apparent drop in sexual desire.  But here are some of the experts' best guesses:

• We're simply exhausted.  With the majority of married couples now working outside of the home, both partners are working double-shifts.  They wake up early, get the kids off to school, put in a full day at the office, come home to cook, clean, do homework and (if they're lucky) grab a shower before plopping into bed.  This certainly doesn't do much to elevate sexual desire, does it?
• We feel guilty.  Couples with children (especially women, but this goes for men too) feel a certain amount of guilt for working so many hours outside the home, so they spend most of their free time with the kids.  The focus is on the family, rather than on the intimate relationship between the couple.
• We're over-stimulated.  With tv, computers, crackberries, cell phones, bills, junk mail, and everything else that demands our attention on a daily basis, we find ourselves getting sucked into the boob tube every night, rather than spending a romantic evening alone.  Without this mental and emotional foreplay, getting in the mood becomes another "task".
• We're being treated for depression.  Ironically, our increasing diagnosis of depression may be contributing to our lack of action in the bedroom.  One of the side-effects of many anti-depressants is a loss of libido.  The possibility that married couples are losing interest in sex may be a result of their dependence on anti-depressant medications.
• The Sexual Revolution.  Sex used to be a forbidden affair reserved for married couples.  It was considered a taboo topic of discussion and a sacred act between man and wife.  Over the last 30 years, our experience with and knowledge about sex has increased.  Most people these days come into a marriage already having had several sexual partners.  For better or worse, sex isn't as much of a mystery to a married couple, which may be lessening the desire for it.
• Loss of Gender-Roles.  Again trends in the culture of our society may be another reason for our lack of sexual activity.  These days, there's a dichotomy between the skills that makes a woman successful at work, and what makes her desirable at home.  Many women spend the majority of their day at the office managing others, mutli-tasking, meeting deadlines and dealing with the corporate structure - not typically feminine traits.  These days, it seems a woman's identity of herself as a feminine, sexual being comes into conflict with her responsibilities outside the home.

These are just a few of the reasons behind the rise of the Sexless Marriage.  So, what are we to do about it?  Well, the first question should be: is it really a problem?  Is this something that threatens to break down our social structure and cause chaos?  Is this "lack of sex" really that big of a deal?

Many experts say yes.  Physical intimacy is clearly a vital part of a healthy and positive relationship.  Sex brings an emotional closeness to a marriage that is important in creating lasting love.  The importance of re-connecting periodically allows a couple to strenghten their bond in a unique way. 

However, what has also been suggested is that this arbitrary number of "10 times per year" may not be all that important.  What is important, according to most experts, is that both you and your partner are satisfied and happy with the amount of sex you have.  If that happens to be once a year, then so be it.  Taking this into account, shouldn't the real definition for the term "sexless marriage" be: "a marriage within which at least one partner desires more occurences of sexual activity"?  What do you think?