When Fighting is Good for Your Relationship

You might be thinking to yourself: “But wait a minute... fights are horrible!  I usually just walk away annoyed or really angry. How can fighting be good for my relationship?”

Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in relationships and author of the world-renowned book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, says “fighting – when it airs grievances or complaints – can be one of the healthiest things a couple can do for their relationship.”  Why?  Because when you and your partner are embroiled in a fight, it means you aren’t bottling up your concerns.  You aren’t ignoring your needs or giving in too much to someone else’s.  It means you’re invested in the relationship.  And when you get your issue out on the table, you and your partner are taking a step toward resolving that issue, even if it’s not always pretty.

But of course, there are certain guidelines that you should adhere to in any argument, if you want it to be productive.  The free-for-all, WWF-style arguments are just as bad for your relationship as not fighting at all.  So what’s a couple to do?  Well, take a look below for the top 5 things to keep in mind during a fight, so the result of that fight strengthens your relationship, rather than destroys it:

1. Choose your battles.  Fighting for the sake of fighting isn’t going to do your relationship any good (you knew that).  So how can you decide which issues are important to bring up with your partner?  Is your partner doing something to trigger this issue?  Does he have the power to change it?  Is it something you need his help resolving?  If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then it’s probably a good idea to get him involved in overcoming this issue.

2. Don’t criticize your partner.  If you decide that this is a battle worth fighting, be respectful and fair when you tell your partner about it.  As our friend Dr. Gottman has remarked, “there is a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism.”  A complaint addresses some external problem in an attempt to resolve it.  A criticism is a global remark that attacks your partner’s character or personality.  Focus on the issue at hand (the external complaint), and try to avoid using language that your partner could take personally.

3. Stick to the original topic.  It’s easy to get pulled off course in the middle of an argument.  Sometimes we start a discussion with our partner about one subject, and all of a sudden we find ourselves yelling, “Oh yeah?!  Well, what about last Christmas when you played video games with your nephew for 3 HOURS while I cleaned up alone?!”  Once you start listing every issue you’ve ever had, your partner is just going to feel overwhelmed and defensive, and that’s not going to help the cause.  Stick to one topic per argument.

4. Take a break if you need to.  As a modern woman myself, I’m often guilty of forgetting this particular piece of advice.  When I get really mad, the last thing I want to do is walk away and let my honey “off the hook.”  But sticking around when the fight is getting over-heated causes the argument becomes unproductive.  If you feel yourself getting to the point of no return, tell your hubby you need some time to cool off, and that you want to resume this discussion later.  Make sure you designate a time to return to the discussion – don’t just bail on your partner in the middle of a fight.  And then continue your discussion when you have agreed to (and when you’re back to your lovely rational self).

5. Learn to give and receive “repair attempts”.  Dr. Gottman describes a repair attempt as an “effort to de-escalate tension during a fight.”  An example of a repair attempt is acknowledging your partner’s contribution to the household chores.  Or smiling when he makes a joke to lighten the mood a little.  A couple’s ability to give and receive these repair attempts helps them keep their wits about them during an argument.  This is by far the best thing you can do to maintain feelings of respect, cooperation and teamwork, not only during a fight, but throughout your relationship. Without these repair attempts, the chances that your discussion will spiral out of control are much greater. Work together to keep harmony in your relationship… even when you’re discussing serious issues.

The bottom line… all couples fight.  The success of a relationship doesn’t depend on how often you fight, but rather HOW you fight.  Keep the points above in mind, and your chances for resolving your relationship woes will flourish.