Preparing for a Lifetime of Marriage

More couples file for divorce in January than in any other month. As we finish up the holidays and head into the new year, I thought discussing a few pointers (in bold) from the book for engaged couples entitled I Promise You: Preparing for a Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime, by Willard F. Harley, Jr. would be helpful. I’ve expounded a bit on each tip.

Five Tips for Preparing for Marriage:

1. A love bank is an emotional tally of how people treat us. Good experiences deposit love units. Bad experiences withdraw units, leading to hate. The more positive experiences you and your significant other can engage in, the more easygoing you’ll both be in a disagreement. If you let those love units run out, it’ll be much more difficult to find common ground when conflict arises (and conflict will inevitably arise more often). Deposit as many love units as you can, as often as you can, and you’ll be able to navigate difficult times with much more ease.

2. If a man assumes that his wife's most important emotional needs are similar to his, he will fail miserably when he tries to meet them. A woman will fail if she makes the same assumption. For example, you wouldn’t give your husband a day at the spa for a birthday gift, right? You’d probably give him tickets to a sporting event, because you know he’d probably enjoy that much more. And you men out there wouldn’t give your wife a bowling ball, right? Stop trying to meet your partners emotional needs by showing love in a way that you would want. Instead, become very aware of what your partner actually wants from you, and give in those ways instead.

3. Spouses should create lists of their partners' habits they find annoying, then discuss this list and work toward replacing such behaviors with non-annoying habits. I’d like to expand on this one a bit. On the one hand, you’ll never eliminate all annoyances. It’s just not possible. On the other hand, creating a list like this would probably help you determine your “landmines” early on in the marriage, rather than letting those annoyances build up to “I just can’t stand him anymore!!”. However, here’s my caveat: if your partner simply cannot stop engaging in one or two of those annoying habits, here’s what you can do: choose to forgive them for being human. Reframe your perception of these habits as annoying, and instead decide that it’s part of what makes your significant other uniquely them.

4. Negotiations are key to any relationship. If you can't come to the negotiating table with a smile on your face, then pick another time when you are in a better mood. You’ll have plenty of disagreements over the course of your marriage. There will be plenty of times when you have to give in, compromise, negotiate and plead for a certain outcome. If you enter these “negotiations” with a bad attitude, I can promise it’s not going to turn out all peachy. Sometimes it feels good to indulge a little anger, but this usually just leads to more conflict. Instead, take the time to you need to cool off, and then sit down with your partner when you’re both ready to find some real solutions.

5. The engagement is the perfect time to practice complete honesty. If you hide anything now, you are likely to hide much more later. If there is anything you’re holding back from your partner before the wedding day, I can promise you it won’t be easier to tell them after the wedding… Take this time to open up about sensitive issues, so you can begin practicing real openness. Going into your marriage with complete trust and honesty will help you create a solid foundation on which to build a lifetime of happiness.