Is Fear Holding You Back?

I consider myself pretty daring.  I went to college at the age of 15.  I traveled around Thailand by myself - without a guidebook, a hotel or a return flight - for a month when I was 21.  I moved across the country twice in one year.  I started my own business when I was 25.  I've been skydiving three times.  For the most part, I like scaring myself.  I love the thrill that comes with facing a seemingly impossible challenge and having to survive it (or better yet, figure out how to grow from it).

So why is it that fear absolutely paralyzes me at other times in my life?  Why does the notion of marriage freak me out?  Why does asking a new client to sign up for my services make me sweat?  Why can't I even contemplate putting that piece of raw fish in my mouth?  Why is it that fear has such a hold on me under certain circumstances, and not under others? 

Here's the scientific explanation:  fear is a human's natural response in the face of danger.  The sensation of fear is meant to keep us safe from harm and help us survive in this barbaric world.  Okay, I get that.  And sure, sometimes that internal warning system comes in handy.  Except... life isn't as barbaric as it used to be.  Instead of bows and arrows we have Beavis and Butthead.  Instead of running from wild buffalo, we have McDonalds on every corner.  Modern life is convenient, not overtly dangerous.  Certainly my survival doesn't depend on my escaping that plate of sushi.  But my fear-o-meter is still operating in overdrive.  Why?

I am still figuring out the answer to this question, but there are definitely certain types of fears that cause me to curl up and hide more than others.  Here are the fears that I find paralyze me the most:

1) Fear of Failure.  This is a biggie.  I don't know too many people who aren’t afraid of failure.  Especially for Generation-Yers (you twenty-somethings out there).  We've been trained to believe that every choice we make today will have an irreversible impact on the rest of our life.  Our parents had us on waiting lists for the best pre-school so we could get into the most prestigious prep-school, so we would be guaranteed acceptance into the most exclusive university, which would then of course lead us to the best-paying job and the fastest route to retirement.  And with all of those other 3 year-olds to compete with, there was NO room for failure.

The problem with this fear, though, is that the biggest payoffs in life generally require the biggest risks.  And if you let your fear of failure control your actions, you're wasting precious time living a life of mediocrity rather than the life you really want to live.  Instead, just go for it and consider every "failure" a lesson to be applied in the future.  We're all here to make the most of this life, and learning from our mistakes is part of that process.

2) Fear of embarrassment. Another popular fear.  I'm sure you've heard that more people would rather die than speak in public.  Why?  Actually, I just read an article (I think it was on www.msn.com) about why people fear embarrassment.  The answer: we don't like to stand out in a crowd in any way, because when we were insects (before we evolved into the super-duper humans we are today), standing out meant that bigger, meaner insects were sizing you up before eating you.  That's right, those who stood out opened themselves up to death.  Today (since I don't know many people who've been gobbled up by insects lately), I think that fear has evolved into a fear of criticism or loss of esteem from our peers.

Here's my question to you (okay, and to myself):  what's so bad about being criticized or laughed at by your peers?  Who cares if you lose face?  At least you're out there trying.  Sure, it’s always nicer to be showered with praise and to receive validation about how wonderful you are.  But not trying new things isn't going to get you very far in life.  Plus, we always have the right to filter the criticisms that come our way.  We can decide that someone's opinion is wrong, and then move on.  We don't have to take everything other people say at face value.  Know yourself, and this fear will probably diminish (at least a little).

3)  Fear of commitment. This is a particularly big fear of mine (note the hyper-ventilating when the topic of  marriage comes up).  I was raised in the 80s and early 90s when being a self-sufficient woman was all-important.  I was taught to rely on myself first, and only ask for help when I absolutely needed it.  After trying to live up to my Superwoman fantasy for quite some time now, I've realized that relying on myself does two things: a) it wipes me out (seriously, I am exhausted from all of this Superwoman stuff); and b) it pushes people away.  Being in a relationship with a wonderful guy who actually wants to make my life easier should be a simple thing to indulge.  But my fear of losing my independence and having to rely on him for everything scares me.

Here's my problem with this fear: I'm basing my actions on black/white thinking.  I go from one extreme (I have to do everything myself!) to fearing the other extreme (if I let him help me, he'll take over my life!  No way!).  Even writing those words right now makes me realize how ridiculous this fear is.  It's all about balance.  I don't have to give up total control of my life.  I can still keep my career, my friends, my hobbies, my personal time, my family, my identity.... The really important things will stay intact, if I put the effort into maintaining them.  So these days I'm trying to shift from uber-independence to inter-dependence.  We'll see how it goes.

Conclusion

I think the main difference between fears that hold me back vs. fears that are exciting and fun is simply my acknowledgement of them.  The fears I enjoy facing are the ones I've identified as (irrational) fears.  Obviously it's going to scare the bejeesus out of me to jump out of an airplane.  Duh.  So what?  Let’s go!  But when fear is lurking under the surface and out of my awareness, I'm much more prone to retreat.  Don't let fear hold you back.  Identify your fears and press on... life is waiting for you!