Emotional Roller-Coaster: How to Deal with Emotions in a Relationship

I’ve always considered myself pretty even-keel when it comes to my emotions.  Thanks to a great support system, meditation, and soothing hobbies like yoga and reading (not to mention an arsenal of coaching tools at my disposal), I figured I was a pro at dealing with just about anything.  Then last night my boyfriend literally laughed at me and informed me that I’m nowhere close to being as rational and calm as I think I am.  (A few weeks ago I told him I wanted him to be honest with me about what he was seeing from me… I wanted complete authenticity in our relationship.  That was probably a mistake). 

Trying not to take this information personally (who was he to tell me I’m not calm?!?), I thought back over the last few weeks… Okay, yes.  I suppose there were a few incidents that came up where I could have been a little more mature (like the night we experienced “The Pillow Incident”):

[I’m sleeping soundly… he rudely steals my pillow]

Me: What the…?!?!?!  What are you DOING?!

Him:  Oh, sorry – I didn’t think you were using that pillow.

Me:  It was UNDER MY HEAD.

Him:  I’m really, really sorry.  It looked like it was just next to you… I never would have taken it if I thought you were using it.  Please accept my apology.  I love you.

Me:  No way, sucker.  Now I’m never going to fall back to sleep.  You are evil and I will never forgive you.

Yeah… we can laugh about it now, but at the time, I was actually really mad (to his bewilderment… he really thought I was kidding – who gets THAT mad about a pillow?).  So now that I have actual evidence that I am in fact a total girl, and get caught up in my emotions from time to time…. how do I deal with it?

1)       Accept what is.  Sometimes when I feel myself getting really mad (or frustrated, or short, or just all-around bitchy), I try to talk myself out of it.  I tell myself, “this isn’t necessary… let’s all be happy and peaceful.  You can stop this now if you want to.”  Then about a split second later, I’m in the throes of a mini-meltdown.  So much for self-talk.  What I’ve learned from this though, is that it’s okay to experience negative emotions (it’s obviously going to happen)…. I just have to do it appropriately.  Now I allow myself to feel whatever I’m feeling, but I’m also trying to take responsibility for what I’m feeling, rather than blaming it on (and taking it out on) my loved ones.  As long as I just accept that I’m not in a great mood, I can then take the next step and ask for whatever I need to get through it (i.e., “honey, I’m in a funk today – it’s not your fault and I don’t want to be rude to you – just give me time to get over it and then I’ll be fine).

2)       Let it be okay to release the emotions when you’re ready.  The other thing that I imagine drives my boyfriend nuts is that I’m somewhat stubborn (okay, REALLY stubborn).  Even when I’m not mad anymore, I don’t want to give in, so I’ll keep talking myself into being mad.  But what I’m learning is that once the emotions have passed, it’s okay to let them go.  There’s no need to wallow in hatred or anger for days (or even hours) on end.  The question I ask myself is, “is this a real issue that needs to be discussed and resolved, or am I just in a mood right now?”  If there’s a real issue that’s making me mad, it’s time to move into the next step and start dealing with that (in an adult way, without the ranting and raving….).  But if I’m just in a mood, I tell myself to let go of my pride, stop indulging in taking my anger out on someone I love, and move on.

3)       Apologize if you need to.  A new rule that seems to be coming in handy in this relationship: it’s never too late to apologize.  Usually once I’ve calmed down and have seen the error of my ways, it’s easier for me to go back to my boyfriend (albeit with my tail between my legs) and apologize for being a brat.  Luckily my man has a good sense of humor about all of this, so he can forgive me pretty quickly (although he DOES feel the need to make fun of me a little before letting it go…. I suppose this is a fair trade).

The point of this is: you can’t avoid the emotional roller-coaster (okay, most of us can’t).  There will be days when you or your partner (or both – heaven forbid!) are in a crabby mood, and it’s all too tempting to target the person closest to you – your significant other.  Take the time to allow your emotions to run their course, but make sure you take steps to protect your relationship from overwhelming negativity as well.  A solid relationship can weather all sorts of storms… just take the time to re-establish goodwill when things are calm.