One of my favorite books is The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. It starts out with the following poem:
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
by Oriah Mountain
copyright © 1999 by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (emphasis added).
I love many parts of this poem, but I think my favorite passage is the part I bolded above: “I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow; if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!” Why is this my favorite? Because experiencing the deepest part of our sorrow, and then growing through it to become more compassionate and loving is one of the hardest challenges we face as humans... but it's also the most effective way to grow as individuals.
When I was training to become a therapist, my primary goal was to help recovering addicts identify and then work through some pretty significant issues from their past. My clients did everything they could to avoid experiencing the deepest part of their sorrow for most of their lives; they abused drugs, they stole from their families, many of them sold their bodies and even committed murder in order to avoid dealing with some pretty intense feelings. But the ones who were finally able to accept the intensity of their sorrow were the ones who were able to turn their lives around. By “touching the center of their sorrow, and becoming open by life’s betrayals”, they accomplished the following:
1) They found peace within themselves.
2) They were able to offer empathy and understanding to others who were on a journey of self discovery.
3) They learned the value of forgiveness (of others and of themselves).
4) They measured their success by their inner strength, rather than by outwardly possessions or opinions of others.
5) They became clear on their true life values, and learned how to apply those values to their daily lives.
6) They accepted their imperfections, then embraced them.
7) They learned that solitude was a key factor in their personal growth.
8) They left their past in the past, and began creating a life that reflected who they wanted to become in the future.
9) They learned to appreciate every obstacle in life as a wonderful opportunity for deeper personal growth.
10) They actually began to enjoy this journey called life.
I’ve gotten pretty good at embracing all of my feelings – negative or positive. I’ve learned that life is a series of peaks and valleys, and trying to climb out of a valley before I’ve fully experienced it doesn’t do much good…. I generally just slip right back down. But as I get older, it does get harder and harder to remain open after having been “betrayed” - by an employer, an ex-boyfriend, a friend, or even by life itself. It’s so easy to build a shield against the world to avoid getting hurt again. You have to be discerning – you can’t trust just anyone with your heart. But I have decided that I’d rather be open and go through a little pain once in a while than be closed off to the world. Where’s the fun in that?
Comments