How to Get the Life You Want

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HOW TO GET THE LIFE YOU WANT

You've been putting it off forever — that secret dream to start a business, write a book, run a marathon.... Whatever your desire, ignoring it means denying who you really are. And don't you deserve better? Here, your no-excuses, no-regrets guide to answering the voice in your head that says, "I want more."

By Kristyn Kusek Lewis

You're many things - maybe a wife and mom, prized employee, baker extraordinaire, or president of your block association. But perhaps there's another side of you that's itching to show itself, a yearning you're desperate to follow - to, say, bring out your artistic side or get a psychology degree. Or maybe you don't know what you want, because a dream you once had isn't in sync with who you are now, or because you're overwhelmed with all the choices out there.

Wherever you are on the dream spectrum, your aspiration may be slipping away. "We let our dreams lag because our overcommitted lives make them seem impractical," says life coach Laura Berman Fortgang, author of Now What? 90 Days to a New Life Direction. "We're spread so thin that it's hard to be 'selfish' and put your efforts toward something just for you." Plus, going after a goal may be scary: The fear of failure - or of how your life will change if you succeed - can be paralyzing.

Well, it's time to get moving! Here's why: When your day-to-day existence gets packed with too many "have-to's" and not enough "want-to's," you can end up with a constant, low-grade "Is this all there is?" kind of fever. And that's no way to live.

So use this workbook to help you achieve your wildest fantasies in whatever way they might fit into your life today. Over the past year, three women have been featured in REDBOOK magazine's Live Your Dream series. These women, Denise Mabilog, Cate Colburn-Smith, and Deb Busser, have accomplished amazing things - from publishing a book to singing in a rock band! Now, we're bringing their success secrets to you, with the help of Fortgang, who coached them. Ask yourself the following questions, and then read on to pinpoint your dream - and what it says about you. Then learn how to make it happen.

Ask yourself: Is there a passion you've abandoned because there's no room for it in your "real life"?

Photography or tennis or painting or sewing or...?

The mountain of responsibilities we take on as adults often leads us to abandon activities that once brought us joy. Maybe as a child you lived for tennis camp, but haven't picked up a racket since you had your own kids. For 42-year-old Denise Mabilog of

Swedesboro

,

NJ

, the fantasy of becoming a photographer - a dream she clung to through the time she graduated college - gave way to a challenging law career.

Why do we let go of pastimes we love? According to Fortgang, adulthood - and all that comes with it - makes us feel like we're not allowed to pursue activities just for sheer pleasure. Hobbies become indulgences that we get to enjoy after all the "important stuff" is done (and what a joke that is - how often does your to-do list get shorter?!).

Fortunately, passions are persistent - as much as you try to push 'em away, they're always there, itching to be let back into your life. As Mabilog can attest, reigniting a dream is well worth it: "I used to tell myself that photography would be a waste of time," she says. "Now I take pictures every day. I even set up a portrait studio in my basement! My life is busier than ever, but it's richer than ever, too!" Here's how to rekindle your passion.

Step 1: Give yourself permission.

When you think, I should use my time for more productive things, tell yourself that your dream activity does have a purpose - namely, to give you happiness, which will buoy you as you tackle everyday tasks, from preparing dinner to leading a meeting at work.

To make your commitment stick, get "permission" from your family, too, by explaining why you want the time. Mabilog's husband and son worried that her photography hobby would steal her away from them, but once she emphasized how passionate she was about her dream and that they wouldn't be neglected, their anxieties vanished. "When I told my 8-year-old how much my hobby meant to me, he really got it," she says. "Now, when new equipment for my studio comes in the mail, he's the first to say, 'Mom! Let's go set this stuff up!'"

Step 2: Make room for your dream - literally.

The writer Virginia Woolf famously said that one of the keys to a woman's freedom is having a room of one's own. Claiming a space where you can indulge in your passion is like saying, "X marks the spot." It's an expression of your decision to take your dream seriously.

So designate a writing area in your living room. Place an easel in a corner of the bedroom. Don't need a specific spot to practice your passion? Make an altar to your effort: Display items that move you (photographs, a row of vintage fountain pens) or create an "inspiration board" by pinning motivating clippings to a bulletin board (a poem you love, an ad for an exhibit you want to attend). When Mabilog set up her basement studio and hung her photographs around her home, she started to feel like the real deal.

Step 3: Set a date.

Every type of goal needs structure, says Fortgang. Otherwise, real life just washes over it like a tidal wave and sweeps it away. To build a solid foundation for this or any dream, construct a schedule: Decide how much time you'll devote to your hobby, whether it's an hour each night or twice a week for two hours, and block it off on a calendar - this "makes a promise" to that time and, by extension, to yourself.

Then, commit to that schedule for 90 days - that's just long enough to create a habit; face the challenges of making room for your dream in your busy life; and decide if you're going to keep at your goal for good, says Fortgang. "As you move along, don't judge the time you're using or try to measure whether it's productive," she adds. "Just get absorbed in the activity, and follow the joy as it develops."

Ask yourself: Are you ready to finally tackle the burden or bad habit that's been dragging you down?

Quit smoking or lose weight or stop biting your nails or be on time or...?

To truly commit to these more "ordinary" yearnings, you need to give them the same emotional investment and time as "bigger" dreams. Know, too, that tackling this type of goal may be especially difficult for you if you've tried - and failed - to achieve it in the past. Or perhaps it's daunting because you're not sure you're ready to do the hard work it requires. Either way, the longer you let yourself live with this albatross, the more your self-esteem suffers. To change all that:

Step 1: Make a vow.

Quit procrastinating on this dream by being honest with yourself: Draw a line down the center of a piece of paper to create two columns; label one side "Why Now" and one "Why Not." In the "Why Now" column, list the reasons why it's the right time to meet the challenge (for instance, if you want to lose weight, one reason to go for it might be that you found out a friend has prediabetes, which was a wake-up call for you). On the "Why Not" side, note why it's not a good time (it might be unrealistic to commit to daily workouts right before two busy weeks of business travel).

Now, weigh the two sides: If you're ready to commit to your goal, write a promise to yourself at the bottom of the page, and put it in a place where you'll see it often, like on your bathroom mirror. If you decide that now isn't the time for this goal, decide when to revisit it. Write that aspiration in big red letters on your calendar.

Step 2: Find your cheerleaders.

"Accountability is the key to success," explains Fortgang. "You don't want to be left to your own devices when the going gets tough." Your support system can include family, friends, even someone you hire (such as a personal trainer). You might also want to try an online chat group like the stop-smoking site Quitnet.com, or check out "Drop the Weight for Good," to meet the women in REDBOOK's Real-Life Healthy Life program, and then form your own weight-loss support group (go to meetup.com/redbook for details).

Tell your pep squad that you'll check in with them at a specific, regular time with a status report (as in, "I'll email you after my weekly weigh-in every Friday morning") and when you need extra reinforcement ("The ice cream in the fridge is screaming to me - talk me out of it").

Step 3: Pat yourself on the back - regularly.

"Working toward your goal is an accomplishment in and of itself," says Fortgang. So reward yourself weekly: Put $5 toward a "new outfit fund," or give yourself a bouquet of flowers for staying smoke-free.

Be especially kind to yourself when you have setbacks. Instead of beating yourself up or quitting altogether, examine why you veered off course, figure out what you need to do to stay on track, and remind yourself that you're the smart, capable CEO of your busy life - and you have all the tools you need to keep moving forward! "Remember: You get to start over every day, every hour, every minute!" says Fortgang.

Ask yourself: Are you ready to reach for something really huge that you never thought you could accomplish?

Write a book or go back to school or renovate your home or start a volunteer group or...?

Your dream is a capital-B big one - and it feels like a mountain you're not sure you can climb. "These are 'wouldn't it be great if...' dreams," says Fortgang. "What's difficult about them is that people get tripped up by the 'how.' It's such a huge undertaking that you feel like you need to know how to do the whole thing from the get-go - and because you can't see the end, you think you don't know how to start."

That's what happened to 40-year-old Cate Colburn-Smith of

Boulder

,

CO

, who sat on the idea for her book, The Milk Memos, for two years before she finally went ahead and decided to do something about it. "I thought it would be impossible because I didn't know anything about publishing," she says. "But the experience taught me that it's okay to just start doing the work before you really know what you're doing." To jump right in:

Step 1: Hunt and gather.

Get your hands on any info you can find about what it'll take to attain your goal. Read online, check out books and magazines, investigate courses and local adult-education centers and colleges, and talk to people who've done what you want to do. Don't know anyone with "connections"? Call associations that represent the subject area that interests you (if you want to become a massage therapist, call the American Massage Therapy Association) or visit businesses related to your dream (Want a horticulture degree? Chat up the salesperson at your local garden center). "This is a confidence-builder because it helps squash the feeling that you need to know it all from the outset," says Fortgang.

Step 2: Tackle your fear.

When you're embarking on something huge that you've never done before, it's completely natural to be scared. "You're out on a limb without a net and you don't know what the outcome will be," says Fortgang. Keep your nerves under control by having an "anchor" - a tangible reminder of your goal that you can refer to when you start to wonder why the heck you're putting yourself through all this. That anchor might be anything from a mission statement that you write in your journal, to an object you keep on your desk, to a person (your husband, your sister, a close friend) you can turn to for encouragement whenever you need it.

Step 3: Take baby steps.

You don't need to know how to get from point A to point Z when you start. Write up a plan of small to-do's that will take you to one milestone, and then keep repeating the process until you've reached your goal. "The enormity of the task of writing a book proposal really worried me and my coauthor since we both have kids and full-time jobs," recalls Colburn-Smith. "Breaking the project down into bite-size chunks made it feel manageable and kept us moving from one step to the next." Multiple mini-goals also give you plenty of opportunities to celebrate your many accomplishments, which will keep you motivated all along the way to the finish line!

Step 4: Walk your walk.

When your hard work starts paying off - say, you've been accepted to a graduate school program or you've written half the recipes for your cookbook - act like the expert you are by identifying yourself that way, which will help you take yourself seriously. When introducing yourself, get in the habit of saying, "I'm a writer" or "I'm a chef." Or get business cards printed up with your new info, as Colburn-Smith did. Don't be wishy-washy about it: Statements like "I'm trying to be an author" or "I'm sort of working on becoming a therapist" can mentally sabotage you, while treating yourself like a complete success reminds you that you will be one!

Ask yourself: Is it time to cash in on a moneymaking idea that will make you feel more self-sufficient?

Go back to work or open a bakery or switch careers or launch a Web-based business or...?

On the surface this dream has a lot to do with financial gain and security, but it really arises from a need to find a vocation that has meaning for you - one where your "work self" and your "true self" can meet. As Fortgang puts it, "It's not just what you do, but who you get to be when you're doing it." The hardest part about this kind of goal is convincing yourself that you're qualified to take it on, says Fortgang. Here's how to muster your courage.

Step 1: Redefine "expert."

You might think that people who succeed in their field spend years learning about their craft before they take a single step forward. Not so! "I tell clients to start thinking of an 'expert' as someone who knows how to get the answers, not someone who knows all the answers," says Fortgang. So do some investigating to find out the first step you need to take to make your dream a reality - which will instantly empower you. Should you get a degree or advanced training? Does anyone else have a patent for your product idea? Even the tiniest bit of information will help propel you forward.

Step 2: Road-test your dream.

Small forays are fine. Substitute or volunteer at a school before you commit to a full-time teaching career. Gauge reactions to your dream of opening a bakery by offering to sell sweets at your kid's next school function. A little experience will help you fine-tune your plan and determine your potential for success before you take big risks with your time or money.

Step 3: Establish a time frame.

"When I started my life-coaching business 15 years ago, my husband and I decided I'd try it for one year, and then I'd evaluate my progress and decide whether to move forward," says Fortgang. By having a specific "just try it out" period, you stay focused on your goal without any do-or-die pressure.

Ask yourself: Do you have the guts to go after the "just once" dream you've never dared to try?

Run a marathon or go on an African safari or sing in a rock band or try skydiving or...?

These "one-hit wonder" dreams often represent deeper longings, says Fortgang, that might not even be on your radar. Take, for instance, 40-year-old Deb Busser of

Dunstable

,

MA

, who dreamed of singing with a rock band. Busser discovered that achieving this goal was really a way to prove that she could fearlessly just be herself in front of a group and become a motivational speaker. Here's how to accomplish your fantasy and reveal the hidden desire it can represent.

Step 1: Build in a "can't flake out" clause.

Onetime, daring dreams take guts, so find a way to avoid chickening out. Enlist a friend to join you in your skydiving adventure, and put down a nonrefundable deposit. Invite everyone you know to come to the poetry slam where you'll read your work. Busser turned her rock-star fantasy into a "

Battle

of the Bands" charity event, which meant she had to get on stage no matter what. "The experience taught me that I could be okay with being nervous and just relinquish control and go for it," she says. "It was one of the most amazing - and liberating - feelings I've ever experienced!"

Step 2: Use your skills.

So what if you've never run more than three miles? Use the talents you already have as a tool kit for training for that marathon: Think of times when you used the mind-over-matter discipline your goal requires (Hel-lo! Childbirth?). Busser, a human resources consultant, used her business skills when she pitched her fund-raiser concept to a community group, who loved her idea and put the plan in motion.

Step 3: Uncover your deeper dream.

Ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?" If it's just to have fun, great! But under-the-surface reasons are worth exploring: Your mountain-climbing dream might actually symbolize a desire to prove to yourself that you're brave enough to tackle another difficult obstacle in your life. Your wish to see the European city that your grandparents emigrated from may represent a yearning to strengthen your family ties at home. Once you've figured out what's really behind your "just once" fantasy, you'll be that much more motivated to give both pursuits your all!

Whatever your goal, you've already got the tools to stop dreaming and start doing.

"Once you've cut through all the baloney and the beliefs that have held you back," says Fortgang, "there's no limit to what you can achieve." And here's a bonus: Being true to yourself by following your heart's desire benefits not only you, but also the people you love. That's because giving to yourself recharges your spirit - which enables you to give more of yourself as a wife, a mom, a friend. The bottom line: Being 100 percent who you are - not 75 percent, and not 86.7 percent - is the not-so-hidden key to a happier life. And what could be more important than that?