Okay, I know, I know.... I have been a very, VERY BAD Blogger lately. I'm SORRY! I started teaching college classes, and life as I knew it (temporarily) flew out the window. But I'm getting a routine down, figuring out the schedule, and learning how to balance all of the little pieces of my life (see, I'm always learning too). Anyway, I came across this article on www.msn.com today, and absolutely had to share it. I promise - I'll be contributing my own, personal extra-witty and helpful content very, very soon.... But for now I hope this holds ya'll off. :)
Happy Living,
Sarah
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WHY DO I WANT EVERY ONE TO BE 'THE ONE'?
By Lynn Harris
Dear Lynn,
I want every girl I date to be The One. This causes a great deal of anxiety, controlling behavior and other things that make me totally unlike how I really am. I just put too much pressure on these girls—girls who, up until the time we start the relationship, adore me because I am fun, witty, and good-looking. But all that is thrown out the door as soon as the relationship starts. I become this brooding, angst-ridden child who wants all the attention from this person. I don’t like being that way! How do I go about shedding this image in my mind of this girl being The One, no matter who the girl is?
-Kevin
Dear Kevin,
You’re already ahead of the game in several ways. First, you’re not saying, “I want to make every girl think I think she’s The One, so she’ll have sex with me,” or something else dishonest. Second, and just as important, you’re aware of this pattern that you describe, you see the damage it may be doing, and you want it to change. Third, you seem to understand that you’re fundamentally likeable (“fun, witty,” etc.). That means that your behavior is not solely a matter of insecurity, and, more to the point, that we don’t have to start trying to build your self-esteem from square one.
Let’s take a look at the concept of The One. It’s natural and positive — even lovely — to want to think of people you date as potential real-deals, not just placeholders. So I don’t think you need to wean yourself of that notion entirely. I do believe, however, that there’s no one The One for every person. In my opinion, The One is the person who comes along when you and she are ready, for a whole constellation of reasons, to recognize each other as such. When we get into trouble is when we decide someone’s The One — mainly because we want so badly for someone, anyone, to be — before we’ve actually had a chance to get to know them at all.
So for you, once you’ve made that decision, the relationship becomes about your decision, not about having a relationship. You think, “She’s The One, so I cannot let her go!” And then you set about not letting her go—which, as you’ve discovered the hard way, is the opposite of letting a relationship blossom.
A solution? I’d say you need some practice exploring a dating middle ground. You need to give yourself the time and opportunity to discover that a relationship — a good relationship — will grow out of your natural desire to be together, not out of your willing it to be so. And you need to give yourself a chance to prove to yourself that she will not leave you just because you didn’t call her 1,000 times in 10 minutes. (In fact, as you may have learned, that is why she will leave.)
How to do that? Date—the slower, old-fashioned way. Go out once, then go out again several nights later. Then maybe again. This does not make you boyfriend and girlfriend; this does not make her The One. If you want to see her again, then by all means, do so. But take it slow. Get used to the idea that your liking her means… that you like her, not that you should be calling the caterers. Get used to the idea that if she likes you, she will say yes and show up for your date. And that if (God forbid) she doesn’t, hey, that’s fine, ’cause who said she was The One anyway? After all, you’d only spent six hours together, more than two of which were spent watching a movie. It’ll take practice — and real willpower — to act and think this way, but you can do it.
Over time, you’ll become the kind of boyfriend you want to be. Which is what will really prepare you to recognize The One when you meet her.
Lynn Harris is co-creator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website, BreakupGirl.net and author of the comic novel Death By Chick Lit. A journalist and essayist, Lynn also writes about gender, dating, and culture high and low for Salon, Glamour, The New York Times, and others. In her spare time, she enjoys being married. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn at BreakupGirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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