Okay, I know, I know.... I have been a very, VERY BAD Blogger lately. I'm SORRY! I started teaching college classes, and life as I knew it (temporarily) flew out the window. But I'm getting a routine down, figuring out the schedule, and learning how to balance all of the little pieces of my life (see, I'm always learning too). Anyway, I came across this article on www.msn.com today, and absolutely had to share it. I promise - I'll be contributing my own, personal extra-witty and helpful content very, very soon.... But for now I hope this holds ya'll off. :)
Happy Living,
Sarah
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WHY DO I WANT EVERY ONE TO BE 'THE ONE'?
By Lynn Harris
Dear Lynn, I want every girl I date to be The One. This causes a great deal of anxiety, controlling behavior and other things that make me totally unlike how I really am. I just put too much pressure on these girls—girls who, up until the time we start the relationship, adore me because I am fun, witty, and good-looking. But all that is thrown out the door as soon as the relationship starts. I become this brooding, angst-ridden child who wants all the attention from this person. I don’t like being that way! How do I go about shedding this image in my mind of this girl being The One, no matter who the girl is? -Kevin
Dear Kevin, You’re already ahead of the game in several ways. First, you’re not saying, “I want to make every girl think I think she’s The One, so she’ll have sex with me,” or something else dishonest. Second, and just as important, you’re aware of this pattern that you describe, you see the damage it may be doing, and you want it to change. Third, you seem to understand that you’re fundamentally likeable (“fun, witty,” etc.). That means that your behavior is not solely a matter of insecurity, and, more to the point, that we don’t have to start trying to build your self-esteem from square one.
Let’s take a look at the concept of The One. It’s natural and positive — even lovely — to want to think of people you date as potential real-deals, not just placeholders. So I don’t think you need to wean yourself of that notion entirely. I do believe, however, that there’s no one The One for every person. In my opinion, The One is the person who comes along when you and she are ready, for a whole constellation of reasons, to recognize each other as such. When we get into trouble is when we decide someone’s The One — mainly because we want so badly for someone, anyone, to be — before we’ve actually had a chance to get to know them at all.
So for you, once you’ve made that decision, the relationship becomes about your decision, not about having a relationship. You think, “She’s The One, so I cannot let her go!” And then you set about not letting her go—which, as you’ve discovered the hard way, is the opposite of letting a relationship blossom.
A solution? I’d say you need some practice exploring a dating middle ground. You need to give yourself the time and opportunity to discover that a relationship — a good relationship — will grow out of your natural desire to be together, not out of your willing it to be so. And you need to give yourself a chance to prove to yourself that she will not leave you just because you didn’t call her 1,000 times in 10 minutes. (In fact, as you may have learned, that is why she will leave.)
How to do that? Date—the slower, old-fashioned way. Go out once, then go out again several nights later. Then maybe again. This does not make you boyfriend and girlfriend; this does not make her The One. If you want to see her again, then by all means, do so. But take it slow. Get used to the idea that your liking her means… that you like her, not that you should be calling the caterers. Get used to the idea that if she likes you, she will say yes and show up for your date. And that if (God forbid) she doesn’t, hey, that’s fine, ’cause who said she was The One anyway? After all, you’d only spent six hours together, more than two of which were spent watching a movie. It’ll take practice — and real willpower — to act and think this way, but you can do it.
Over time, you’ll become the kind of boyfriend you want to be. Which is what will really prepare you to recognize The One when you meet her.
Lynn Harris is co-creator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website,BreakupGirl.netand author of the comic novelDeath By Chick Lit. A journalist and essayist, Lynn also writes about gender, dating, and culture high and low for Salon, Glamour, The New York Times, and others. In her spare time, she enjoys being married. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn atBreakupGirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
I love this article! I came across it today on www.msn.com.
Enjoy!
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HOW TO GET THE LIFE YOU WANT
You've been putting it off forever — that secret dream to start a business, write a book, run a marathon.... Whatever your desire, ignoring it means denying who you really are. And don't you deserve better? Here, your no-excuses, no-regrets guide to answering the voice in your head that says, "I want more."
By Kristyn Kusek Lewis
Wherever you are on the dream spectrum, your aspiration may be slipping away. "We let our dreams lag because our overcommitted lives make them seem impractical," says life coach Laura Berman Fortgang, author of Now What? 90 Days to a New Life Direction. "We're spread so thin that it's hard to be 'selfish' and put your efforts toward something just for you." Plus, going after a goal may be scary: The fear of failure - or of how your life will change if you succeed - can be paralyzing.
Well, it's time to get moving! Here's why: When your day-to-day existence gets packed with too many "have-to's" and not enough "want-to's," you can end up with a constant, low-grade "Is this all there is?" kind of fever. And that's no way to live.
So use this workbook to help you achieve your wildest fantasies in whatever way they might fit into your life today. Over the past year, three women have been featured in REDBOOK magazine's Live Your Dream series. These women, Denise Mabilog, Cate Colburn-Smith, and Deb Busser, have accomplished amazing things - from publishing a book to singing in a rock band! Now, we're bringing their success secrets to you, with the help of Fortgang, who coached them. Ask yourself the following questions, and then read on to pinpoint your dream - and what it says about you. Then learn how to make it happen.
Ask yourself: Is there a passion you've abandoned because there's no room for it in your "real life"?
Photography or tennis or painting or sewing or...?
The mountain of responsibilities we take on as adults often leads us to abandon activities that once brought us joy. Maybe as a child you lived for tennis camp, but haven't picked up a racket since you had your own kids. For 42-year-old Denise Mabilog of
Swedesboro
,
NJ
, the fantasy of becoming a photographer - a dream she clung to through the time she graduated college - gave way to a challenging law career.
Why do we let go of pastimes we love? According to Fortgang, adulthood - and all that comes with it - makes us feel like we're not allowed to pursue activities just for sheer pleasure. Hobbies become indulgences that we get to enjoy after all the "important stuff" is done (and what a joke that is - how often does your to-do list get shorter?!).
Fortunately, passions are persistent - as much as you try to push 'em away, they're always there, itching to be let back into your life. As Mabilog can attest, reigniting a dream is well worth it: "I used to tell myself that photography would be a waste of time," she says. "Now I take pictures every day. I even set up a portrait studio in my basement! My life is busier than ever, but it's richer than ever, too!" Here's how to rekindle your passion.
Step 1: Give yourself permission.
When you think, I should use my time for more productive things, tell yourself that your dream activity does have a purpose - namely, to give you happiness, which will buoy you as you tackle everyday tasks, from preparing dinner to leading a meeting at work.
To make your commitment stick, get "permission" from your family, too, by explaining why you want the time. Mabilog's husband and son worried that her photography hobby would steal her away from them, but once she emphasized how passionate she was about her dream and that they wouldn't be neglected, their anxieties vanished. "When I told my 8-year-old how much my hobby meant to me, he really got it," she says. "Now, when new equipment for my studio comes in the mail, he's the first to say, 'Mom! Let's go set this stuff up!'"
Step 2: Make room for your dream - literally.
The writer Virginia Woolf famously said that one of the keys to a woman's freedom is having a room of one's own. Claiming a space where you can indulge in your passion is like saying, "X marks the spot." It's an expression of your decision to take your dream seriously.
So designate a writing area in your living room. Place an easel in a corner of the bedroom. Don't need a specific spot to practice your passion? Make an altar to your effort: Display items that move you (photographs, a row of vintage fountain pens) or create an "inspiration board" by pinning motivating clippings to a bulletin board (a poem you love, an ad for an exhibit you want to attend). When Mabilog set up her basement studio and hung her photographs around her home, she started to feel like the real deal.
Step 3: Set a date.
Every type of goal needs structure, says Fortgang. Otherwise, real life just washes over it like a tidal wave and sweeps it away. To build a solid foundation for this or any dream, construct a schedule: Decide how much time you'll devote to your hobby, whether it's an hour each night or twice a week for two hours, and block it off on a calendar - this "makes a promise" to that time and, by extension, to yourself.
Then, commit to that schedule for 90 days - that's just long enough to create a habit; face the challenges of making room for your dream in your busy life; and decide if you're going to keep at your goal for good, says Fortgang. "As you move along, don't judge the time you're using or try to measure whether it's productive," she adds. "Just get absorbed in the activity, and follow the joy as it develops."
Ask yourself: Are you ready to finally tackle the burden or bad habit that's been dragging you down?
Quit smoking or lose weight or stop biting your nails or be on time or...?
To truly commit to these more "ordinary" yearnings, you need to give them the same emotional investment and time as "bigger" dreams. Know, too, that tackling this type of goal may be especially difficult for you if you've tried - and failed - to achieve it in the past. Or perhaps it's daunting because you're not sure you're ready to do the hard work it requires. Either way, the longer you let yourself live with this albatross, the more your self-esteem suffers. To change all that:
Step 1: Make a vow.
Quit procrastinating on this dream by being honest with yourself: Draw a line down the center of a piece of paper to create two columns; label one side "Why Now" and one "Why Not." In the "Why Now" column, list the reasons why it's the right time to meet the challenge (for instance, if you want to lose weight, one reason to go for it might be that you found out a friend has prediabetes, which was a wake-up call for you). On the "Why Not" side, note why it's not a good time (it might be unrealistic to commit to daily workouts right before two busy weeks of business travel).
Now, weigh the two sides: If you're ready to commit to your goal, write a promise to yourself at the bottom of the page, and put it in a place where you'll see it often, like on your bathroom mirror. If you decide that now isn't the time for this goal, decide when to revisit it. Write that aspiration in big red letters on your calendar.
Step 2: Find your cheerleaders.
"Accountability is the key to success," explains Fortgang. "You don't want to be left to your own devices when the going gets tough." Your support system can include family, friends, even someone you hire (such as a personal trainer). You might also want to try an online chat group like the stop-smoking site Quitnet.com, or check out "Drop the Weight for Good," to meet the women in REDBOOK's Real-Life Healthy Life program, and then form your own weight-loss support group (go to meetup.com/redbook for details).
Tell your pep squad that you'll check in with them at a specific, regular time with a status report (as in, "I'll email you after my weekly weigh-in every Friday morning") and when you need extra reinforcement ("The ice cream in the fridge is screaming to me - talk me out of it").
Step 3: Pat yourself on the back - regularly.
"Working toward your goal is an accomplishment in and of itself," says Fortgang. So reward yourself weekly: Put $5 toward a "new outfit fund," or give yourself a bouquet of flowers for staying smoke-free.
Be especially kind to yourself when you have setbacks. Instead of beating yourself up or quitting altogether, examine why you veered off course, figure out what you need to do to stay on track, and remind yourself that you're the smart, capable CEO of your busy life - and you have all the tools you need to keep moving forward! "Remember: You get to start over every day, every hour, every minute!" says Fortgang.
Ask yourself: Are you ready to reach for something really huge that you never thought you could accomplish?
Write a book or go back to school or renovate your home or start a volunteer group or...?
Your dream is a capital-B big one - and it feels like a mountain you're not sure you can climb. "These are 'wouldn't it be great if...' dreams," says Fortgang. "What's difficult about them is that people get tripped up by the 'how.' It's such a huge undertaking that you feel like you need to know how to do the whole thing from the get-go - and because you can't see the end, you think you don't know how to start."
That's what happened to 40-year-old Cate Colburn-Smith of
Boulder
,
CO
, who sat on the idea for her book, The Milk Memos, for two years before she finally went ahead and decided to do something about it. "I thought it would be impossible because I didn't know anything about publishing," she says. "But the experience taught me that it's okay to just start doing the work before you really know what you're doing." To jump right in:
Step 1: Hunt and gather.
Get your hands on any info you can find about what it'll take to attain your goal. Read online, check out books and magazines, investigate courses and local adult-education centers and colleges, and talk to people who've done what you want to do. Don't know anyone with "connections"? Call associations that represent the subject area that interests you (if you want to become a massage therapist, call the American Massage Therapy Association) or visit businesses related to your dream (Want a horticulture degree? Chat up the salesperson at your local garden center). "This is a confidence-builder because it helps squash the feeling that you need to know it all from the outset," says Fortgang.
Step 2: Tackle your fear.
When you're embarking on something huge that you've never done before, it's completely natural to be scared. "You're out on a limb without a net and you don't know what the outcome will be," says Fortgang. Keep your nerves under control by having an "anchor" - a tangible reminder of your goal that you can refer to when you start to wonder why the heck you're putting yourself through all this. That anchor might be anything from a mission statement that you write in your journal, to an object you keep on your desk, to a person (your husband, your sister, a close friend) you can turn to for encouragement whenever you need it.
Step 3: Take baby steps.
You don't need to know how to get from point A to point Z when you start. Write up a plan of small to-do's that will take you to one milestone, and then keep repeating the process until you've reached your goal. "The enormity of the task of writing a book proposal really worried me and my coauthor since we both have kids and full-time jobs," recalls Colburn-Smith. "Breaking the project down into bite-size chunks made it feel manageable and kept us moving from one step to the next." Multiple mini-goals also give you plenty of opportunities to celebrate your many accomplishments, which will keep you motivated all along the way to the finish line!
Step 4: Walk your walk.
When your hard work starts paying off - say, you've been accepted to a graduate school program or you've written half the recipes for your cookbook - act like the expert you are by identifying yourself that way, which will help you take yourself seriously. When introducing yourself, get in the habit of saying, "I'm a writer" or "I'm a chef." Or get business cards printed up with your new info, as Colburn-Smith did. Don't be wishy-washy about it: Statements like "I'm trying to be an author" or "I'm sort of working on becoming a therapist" can mentally sabotage you, while treating yourself like a complete success reminds you that you will be one!
Ask yourself: Is it time to cash in on a moneymaking idea that will make you feel more self-sufficient?
Go back to work or open a bakery or switch careers or launch a Web-based business or...?
On the surface this dream has a lot to do with financial gain and security, but it really arises from a need to find a vocation that has meaning for you - one where your "work self" and your "true self" can meet. As Fortgang puts it, "It's not just what you do, but who you get to be when you're doing it." The hardest part about this kind of goal is convincing yourself that you're qualified to take it on, says Fortgang. Here's how to muster your courage.
Step 1: Redefine "expert."
You might think that people who succeed in their field spend years learning about their craft before they take a single step forward. Not so! "I tell clients to start thinking of an 'expert' as someone who knows how to get the answers, not someone who knows all the answers," says Fortgang. So do some investigating to find out the first step you need to take to make your dream a reality - which will instantly empower you. Should you get a degree or advanced training? Does anyone else have a patent for your product idea? Even the tiniest bit of information will help propel you forward.
Step 2: Road-test your dream.
Small forays are fine. Substitute or volunteer at a school before you commit to a full-time teaching career. Gauge reactions to your dream of opening a bakery by offering to sell sweets at your kid's next school function. A little experience will help you fine-tune your plan and determine your potential for success before you take big risks with your time or money.
Step 3: Establish a time frame.
"When I started my life-coaching business 15 years ago, my husband and I decided I'd try it for one year, and then I'd evaluate my progress and decide whether to move forward," says Fortgang. By having a specific "just try it out" period, you stay focused on your goal without any do-or-die pressure.
Ask yourself: Do you have the guts to go after the "just once" dream you've never dared to try?
Run a marathon or go on an African safari or sing in a rock band or try skydiving or...?
These "one-hit wonder" dreams often represent deeper longings, says Fortgang, that might not even be on your radar. Take, for instance, 40-year-old Deb Busser of
Dunstable
,
MA
, who dreamed of singing with a rock band. Busser discovered that achieving this goal was really a way to prove that she could fearlessly just be herself in front of a group and become a motivational speaker. Here's how to accomplish your fantasy and reveal the hidden desire it can represent.
Step 1: Build in a "can't flake out" clause.
Onetime, daring dreams take guts, so find a way to avoid chickening out. Enlist a friend to join you in your skydiving adventure, and put down a nonrefundable deposit. Invite everyone you know to come to the poetry slam where you'll read your work. Busser turned her rock-star fantasy into a "
Battle
of the Bands" charity event, which meant she had to get on stage no matter what. "The experience taught me that I could be okay with being nervous and just relinquish control and go for it," she says. "It was one of the most amazing - and liberating - feelings I've ever experienced!"
Step 2: Use your skills.
So what if you've never run more than three miles? Use the talents you already have as a tool kit for training for that marathon: Think of times when you used the mind-over-matter discipline your goal requires (Hel-lo! Childbirth?). Busser, a human resources consultant, used her business skills when she pitched her fund-raiser concept to a community group, who loved her idea and put the plan in motion.
Step 3: Uncover your deeper dream.
Ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?" If it's just to have fun, great! But under-the-surface reasons are worth exploring: Your mountain-climbing dream might actually symbolize a desire to prove to yourself that you're brave enough to tackle another difficult obstacle in your life. Your wish to see the European city that your grandparents emigrated from may represent a yearning to strengthen your family ties at home. Once you've figured out what's really behind your "just once" fantasy, you'll be that much more motivated to give both pursuits your all!
Whatever your goal, you've already got the tools to stop dreaming and start doing.
"Once you've cut through all the baloney and the beliefs that have held you back," says Fortgang, "there's no limit to what you can achieve." And here's a bonus: Being true to yourself by following your heart's desire benefits not only you, but also the people you love. That's because giving to yourself recharges your spirit - which enables you to give more of yourself as a wife, a mom, a friend. The bottom line: Being 100 percent who you are - not 75 percent, and not 86.7 percent - is the not-so-hidden key to a happier life. And what could be more important than that?
A great article for adults who suffer from ADHD (or anyone who has a loved one with ADHD). There are so many things that can be done to help adult sufferers of ADHD - life coaching is quickly becoming a favorite approach given it's action-oriented and structured nature. Feel free to contact me at sarah@newheightslifecoaching.com if you have any questions (I don't specialize in ADHD coaching, but I could refer someone and give you general information about coaching). Hope this helps!
Sarah
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DROP & GIVE ME FOCUS
Adults with ADHD learn to "work out" their issues with a life coach
It's one thing to be distracted and lack organization when you are a child with a parent watching over you. It's another thing when you are an adult, responsible for yourself, and yet holding down a job, a relationship - or just finding your dang car keeys - feels impossible.
Linda Watson was having trouble managing her finances, and her partner was having trouble with the chaotic mess Watson left around their house. “One year for Christmas my partner said, ‘All I want is for you to tidy the house,’” says Watson, who decided she’d do something better: She’d hire an expert to help her get organized.
Adult ADHD is often a hidden problem. Thirty to 70 percent of children with ADHD continue to show signs of the disorder as adults, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Some adults don’t even realize they have ADHD until their child is diagnosed and they put the puzzle pieces together.
Adults with ADHD typically have had a history of problems in school or at work. They can’t stay organized, are impulsive, distractible, can’t stick to a plan, forget to eat. Many have figured out their own systems and ways to manage, but still have a feeling that something is wrong; they’re not functioning at their best. “If you are very bright, you can slide by, you can do OK,” says Melinda White, a licensed therapist in Berkeley, Calif., with a specialty in treating adults with ADHD. “It may be that you’re just not working up to your potential.”
Watson had dabbled with medication for ADHD but it didn’t work so well for her. “I’ve been able to do things in my mind, keep things in my mind, but the busier I get and the older I get, I just can’t do it that way anymore,” she says. Watson’s financial planner recommended she see Rachael Eaton, a life coach and registered counselor who owns Time Well Saved, a Seattle-based business that specializes in working with adults who have ADHD.
Increasingly, many adults like Watson are turning to a life coach, in addition to therapy and medication, to treat their ADHD. For an average charge of $105 an hour, a coach will help you assess what’s not working, why, and fix it. Most need to see a coach just a few times to get their systems in order, so it’s a relatively cost-effective way to solve some large problems.
“The biggest flaw of an ADHD adult is they are unable to pick a system by themselves and stick with it,” says Eaton. “You obsess about all of the things that you need to be getting done, but you can not focus long enough to accomplish anything. This is anxiety inducing.”
Eaton does not recommend whether a client takes medication, or attends therapy beyond her coaching. “Some people choose to be on the medications, some choose not to be on them,” she says. “That’s something they work out with their doctor.”
What Eaton does figure out with her clients is a plan. “The first thing we put into place is an appointment calendar, a place where you can write things down,” she says. Eaton also gets her clients to keep a chronological notebook so they can record those random thoughts as they come up. “No one wants to lose any of the ideas they have,” she says.
Eaton helps her clients reduce their project load and learn to say “no” to their impulse to add more to their plate. She helps them choose a goal and determine how to accomplish that goal. Then she sets up a format for checking in with her client to gauge progress—some are disciplined enough to require a coach for a couple of sessions, while others need constant reinforcement from Eaton.
White agrees that the coach approach can be successful, for the right person. “For some high-functioning adults, it is probably the main thing they would need,” says White. “The disadvantage to just using the coaching approach would be if the client had a number of other emotional issues that need to be resolved.”
For that reason, Eaton says, she is careful to observe the boundary between therapy and coaching. “Therapy focuses on what’s going on in your head psychologically, the reasons you are feeling what you feel,” says Eaton. “Most therapists refrain from giving you direct advice. A coach says, ‘Here’s what you are doing wrong, here’s what you can do to fix it.’”
This approach works for some, not for others. Coaching is most effective in someone who has come to terms with what it means to have ADHD. “People often want the magic pill to change their behavior,” says Eaton. Instead, dealing with ADHD is a constant effort at applying systems and reminding yourself to stop, take a moment, and refocus. “You have to accept that it is not going away. It will come up in the moment you least expect it. You have to be vigilant.”
Most ADHD experts recommend a combination of the three: medication, therapy, and coaching. But in order to take advantage of even one, you need to be organized enough to get treatment—no easy task for a person with ADHD. “I get lots of phone calls from people who really want to come in and get some help,” Eaton says, “but they never make it to their first appointment.”
For Watson, who now runs her own marketing consulting business, the coach approach has succeeded. Eaton helped her prioritize her life, both professional and personal, and put systems in place that work. Watson says her finances are in order, her household mess is tamed, her partner is happy. And, thanks to Eaton, she’s feeling something she’s never felt before. “She’s helped me set up new patterns,” says Watson. “And I’m experiencing some relief for the first time in my life.”
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FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding common challenges and issues regarding relationships, transitions and life balance. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
An excellent article for those of you struggling to find The One.
Sarah
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Chuck Your Dating Checklist
By Therese J. Borchard
November 6, 2007 www.msn.com
For many of my single years, I had a lengthy checklist of what my dream guy should be like: Tall, sophisticated, would sweep me off my feet by reciting lines from Walt Whitman. A natural philosopher and die-hard romantic, my husband-to-be would enjoy deep conversations about the meaning of life while gazing at me with those piercing brown eyes. (It’s not like I’m picky, or anything...)
So I went out and — though you may find this hard to believe — without too much trouble, found a few guys who made good on 99 percent of these criteria. And my brain said, “Yes, this is the right kind of guy for you: Your spiritual and intellectual equal,” but, at a gut level, something wasn’t quite right. One guy I dated was a brilliant theologian on his way to a tenured position as a professor at an Ivy League school. Yet the simple task of grocery shopping took him hours because he couldn’t decide which brand of peanut butter to buy. Another guy I saw composed exquisite poetry, but was a nightmare at social functions since he’d sidestep the small talk and immediately launch into a dissertation on Dante’s The Divine Comedy.
My relationships with these men didn’t lead to marriage, but I didn’t give up. My checklist was always in my mind’s eye when I sized guys up. I reasoned that I simply hadn’t found the right romantic, well-read intellectual. He was out there, and when I finally met him, our relationship would be electric.
Then I met Eric. “Oops,” Eric said to me the first time I met him, looking down at his fly, which was open. “Looks like the horse is out of the barn.” I laughed, and we talked some more, but I wasn’t exactly dying to give him my number. After all, Eric had graduated from a mediocre college in Indiana. His clothes were wrinkled. Sophisticated, he was not. Even so, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go out with him a few times and have some fun while scouting out the real deal.
Months passed, and Eric and I kept going out. I was conflicted all the way; my checklist was still there, waiting for me to get real and move on. Just about every time we got together, Eric would say something that would remind me of the gulf between us. Like the day I told him I had always dreamed of hiking the Himalayas. This was met with an eyebrow furrow and a “Why would you want to go anywhere without good water pressure and dependable toilets?” Or, the day I nervously took him to meet my very religious mom. I’d prepped him for this, but he promptly informed her that “holy was out; happy was in.” Spiritual enrichment, or any type of enrichment for that matter, did not exist in his world. He’d rather practice his golf swing than ruminate about the meaning of life. Why was I wasting my time with someone who was so obviously not my ideal?
The why only became clear to me as I spent time with a good friend who’d found a guy who—check, check, check—had just about everything on her list. They had that perfect, clone-like state that I craved. Each spoke five languages and was very ambitious. Their breakfast conversation? Business strategies for developing countries. But then one day they asked if I’d seen a certain PBS documentary on the Civil War, and I admitted to laughing myself silly watching a SpongeBob SquarePants rerun with Eric instead. They reacted with a mix of astonishment and horror—and that said it all to me. Finding that man of my checklist dreams would seal my fate. Someone who was my mirror-image, who loved philosophy and poetry, would keep me on a path with few surprises. Eric—who met not even one of my requirements for Mr. Right—had the ability to amaze and delight me (often in very childlike ways, I’ll admit).
That’s the thing about checklists: They may help us better understand who we are and what we want. But they can never capture a real person—or account for the incredible combustion that happens when two people get together and allow themselves to fall in love.
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FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
I found this article on www.psychcentral.com. This article provides some wonderful tips on making changes in our lives. As a Personal Development Coach, one of my most important jobs is fostering hope within my clients so they have the motivation and inspiration to create a better life for themselves. Enjoy!
Sarah
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Fostering Hope
by Stanley J. Gross, Ed.D
August 27, 2007
Before there is change, there is hope for change. Hope taps into yearnings to alter our lives, to realize our dreams, end our despair, assure our luck, achieve our desires, validate our ambitions, or confirm our trust.
The meaning of hope can, for some, also be stretched to include wishful thinking, greedy obsessions, lust, gullibility, blind faith, false promises, or ignorance of unwanted consequences.
Hope, when expressed in these extremes, can hurt others when it disregards realities, overlooks pain and sacrifice, or blocks flexibility. The importance of hope in our lives is that it is one key to personal change. We rarely seek change without some expectation of a positive outcome.
More about Hope
Hope is a positive forecast, an opening to the future. Hope is the oil that greases the skids of change by posing the possibility that we can improve on our lives. Hope is an attitude, belief, mood, or strategy in which we overestimate the future, affecting our judgments about uncertain situations so that we anticipate movement in a positive direction.
Hope offers a prophesy of success. Positive overestimates often are self-fulfilling because hope tends to produce action in the direction of realizing the forecast. Hope stimulates us to bring energy and commitment to situations that, in turn, tend to tip the scales in the direction we want them to go. It may even offer us a head start by suggesting concrete pathways and options for change.
Hope springs internal. While our personal needs, values, and beliefs engender hope, hope gains form and direction through our relationships and life circumstances. We base the likelihood of realizing hope on information we gather to make informed decisions.
What Fosters Hope?
Action is the handmaiden of hope. Just as hope can lead to action, action can lead to hope. Realizing hope requires that we move from thinking and observing to acting. Nurturing hope is a way of reducing the risks involved, so that anxiety does not inhibit action.
Though becoming more hopeful is easier said than done, people have been able to raise dim hopes in the following ways:
Goals energize hope. A goal is a purpose, motive, or reason for the use of time or for the justification of an activity. The simplest way to foster hope is to examine the goals that emerge from our desires and ambitions. The more these goals are:
concrete (rather than vague);
achievable (rather than lofty);
challenging (rather than easy); and
appealing (rather than dreary),
the more we are likely to believe that acting on them will make a difference in our lives.
Developing goals begins with asking, “What do I want?”
Goals also may emerge from values clarification exercises (for example, writing your own epitaph), imagining our “possible selves,” considering our self-care needs, or identifying the tasks that emerge from our attempts to meet these needs. The test of a useful goal is its ability to motivate constructive action.
Accept losses and limits. Action to change something in our lives inevitably means there will be a loss of something we value. This could include the loss of an important relationship, a skill, an opportunity, a future, or a dream.
Loss often leads to sadness and anger. Our willingness to talk honestly about the loss and to own these feelings represents the initial steps in mourning the loss. By grieving, we acknowledge the loss as something “that simply happened,” open ourselves to learning something from the experience and how to get on with our lives, turning our despair into new goals congruent with a new reality.
Examine resources. Knowledge of the skills and strengths we bring to our endeavors generates hope. Reaching out to others to gain their insight, perspective, experience, advice, and support is an important way of extending the resources available to us.
Think “Can Do.” The “little engine that could” epitomizes how we can generate hope — by believing in our ability to act. The following techniques help us to see ourselves as actors and can kindle hope:
Concentrate on small steps. According to an old Chinese saying, “the longest journey begins with a single step.” Consider a single step in the direction you seek. If the step is the right one, you will progress. If not, you have learned something and you can try another approach.
Prioritize steps. Review possible steps and choose those that fit your best guess about what will promote progress or convey information about appropriate tactics.
Rehearse action. Practice action beforehand to clarify and firm up your approach. Role playing or practicing before a mirror or with a tape recorder can offer feedback before you have to commit yourself to a particular course.
Tolerate errors. For many, the hardest lesson of all is to learn that we progress when we take action, regardless of whether we succeed or fail. As is often said, “the worst thing that can happen is that I might learn something.”
Normalize barriers. Achieving one’s goals is often difficult, especially when these goals are challenging and meaningful. Normalizing barriers to achievement means accepting barriers as part of the process and even planning for them.
Act “as if.” When unsure about a goal, pretend a commitment to it and give yourself an “out” before you begin. By acting with this “out” in mind, you gain information without obligating yourself to staying with the process. This way, you can always say, “I changed my mind.”
Reduce risks. Anticipating hazards and needed resources can reduce the risks of taking action. Becoming clear about the risks involved, the potential losses, who can help, what can go wrong and how you will know — these are all helpful in deciding whether the risk is worthwhile.
Taking the time to pursue your goals in the way you desire promotes a sense of ownership over the effort. Allowing for shifts in goals and strategies, a fail-safe point and a back-up position, and tolerating failure as a learning experience are all attitudes that allow us to tolerate risk. Ironically, acknowledging the anxiety that so often attends risk helps to calm us.
This article was adapted from Growing Ourselves Up: A Guide to Recovery and Self-Esteem, by Stanley J. Gross, Ed.D.
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FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
You all know from my post the other day (Is He The One? Signs that He (Or She) Is the Love of Your Life), that I don't believe marriage is dead. However, I still question what I would want MY marriage to look like. As a Relationship Coach, I have a healthy amount of Analysis Paralysis with this subject. However, the following article does a great job of alleviating some of my concerns about a "lifetime of marriage" (it just sounds so daunting to me... how will I know how I will feel in 50 years??). Anyway, this is for all of my fellow commitment-phobes out there.
Sarah
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Is Marriage Dead?
Credit to: Match.com
October 22, 2007
When asked why all of her marriages failed, anthropologist Margaret Mead replied, I beg your pardon, I have had three marriages and NONE of them was a failure.
Why do Americans believe that one life long marriage is the only real road to happiness and success?
Marriage has changed more in the last 50 years than in the past 5,000. Yet many cling to traditions that evolved among our farming ancestors.
When our forebears began to settle permanently to the land, they began to need to cement their social ties. What better way than to wed your daughter with my son? One married someone with the right social, economic and political connections. Virginity at marriage, strictly arranged marriages, till death do us part, the belief that women are less sexual than men, and many other traditional beliefs about women, men and marriage arose.
The Greek, Roman, Chinese and early Christian philosophers and theologians regarded ones love of kin, God and civil duty as far more important than love for a spouse. Strong marital commitments were not regarded as the foundation stone of society until the 20th century.
Today love, communication and companionship have become central to a partnership. We are shedding many of our past agrarian beliefs and returning to patterns of sex, love and marriage that our ancestors practiced a million years ago traditions that are highly compatible with our ancient human spirit.
Forward to the past: this trend began with the Industrial Revolution. As men and women began to leave the farm for city work, they no longer needed to marry to maintain time honored social ties. And by 1800 more and more had begun to choose their spouses for themselves, live together before wedding, and divorce and remarry to make happier partnerships.
This Marriage Revolution continues. Today some 91% of American women and 86% of American men would not marry someone unless they were in love with him or her, even if this person had every trait they were looking for in a spouse. People in 37 other cultures agree; they want the chemistry of passionate romantic love.
Divorce is also becoming common. The American divorce rate is currently 43%, much like that of several other Western countries. But people are changing their attitude about marital separation, seeing it less as failure and more as the first step toward finding true happiness.
Romantic love within marriage, divorce, remarriage: these trends are not new. For millions of years in ancient Africa both men and women commuted to work to hunt or gather fruits and vegetables. The double income family was the rule. The sexes were economic, social and sexual equals. And men and women married and remarried whom they chose. As women re-enter the paid labor force in droves, we are reassuming these ancient life ways.
Today, for example, most men and women experiment with sex and love long before they wed. Many live together before they tie the knot. Some have children first, then marry. And many have two or three spouses across their lives. All are traditions from prehistory.
In fact, we no longer live in a traditional marriage culture. Older women are marrying younger men. Inter-racial marriages have increased dramatically. Homosexuals can now form legal bonds in several states. Older people are remarrying rather than settling with their children. Living together, commuter marriages, visiting marriages, polyamorous marriages, childless marriages, singlehood, bearing children out of wedlock, registered domestic partners, divorce, remarriage, step families: In short, we can no longer expect most people to spend most of their lives in one traditional style marriage.
But are we happy? The New York Times recently reported that 51% of American women are currently living without a spouse. Is this reason to panic? On the contrary, it may be reason to celebrate.
Take the widows. In past centuries most women died young; today they are enjoying their senior years. What's wrong with that? Others are still young. Unchained from the narrow routines of farm life, they can finally postpone an early marriage to explore their opportunities in a wider world. What's wrong with that? Last are those who have divorced. Finally, these women have the economic means to leave bad marriages to make good ones.
In fact, demographers and historians say that women in the western world are experiencing happier marriages today than at any time in history probably for two reasons. Foremost, many women (and men) can afford to walk out of bad marriages to make better ones. Second, with the current emphasis on companionship within marriage, people today expect more from their partnerships and are working harder on their relationships than at any time in history.
Despite these obvious, largely beneficial, and largely worldwide changes, Americans cling to their outmoded beliefs about traditional marriage. I wonder if they know what they espouse?
In historical times, most husbands had the sole responsibility for the family's economic worth, while most wives were uneducated and confined to kitchen, church and nursery. Virginity at marriage was required; divorce was almost impossible; and a double standard for adultery prevailed; even rape within marriage was excused.
I think it is time to practice the democracy we preach. Prince Charming. happily ever after. till death do us part. The belief that there is only one true love for each of us. These fantastical beliefs may be as damaging as the fantasy of the perfect female body. Most of us cant live up. So lets embrace what we see around us men and women following their own paths in their primordial drive to love.
And love is a drive. Deep in the human brain lie three circuits that evolved to foster reproduction: the sex drive, romantic love, and attachment to a partner. Each is associated with different brain chemicals and each interacts with the others. This, for example, is why casual sex is often not casual. Any sort of sexual stimulation activates dopamine systems in the brain and can trigger feelings of romantic love. And with orgasm comes a flood of oxytocin and vasopressin, chemicals the can create deep feelings of attachment to a partner. These brain systems will never be extinguished.
And marriage is not dead. In fact, United Nations data on 97 societies indicates that over 90% of men and women in most societies wed by age 45. But it is metamorphosing into many supple, varied patterns. Most important is the rise of the 21st century marriage form, what sociologists call the symmetrical, companionate or peer marriage: marriage between equals.
Its time to enjoy our freedom to be ourselves.
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FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If
you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
A follow up from yesterday's post regarding signs of an abusive relationship. Again, never a pleasant topic, but this information can be critical if you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship. If you suspect someone you know is being abused, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or visit their website at http://www.ndvh.org.
Sarah
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Why Do Abused Victims Stay?
by Maria Vera, Ph.D
October 19, 2006
It can be difficult for many people to understand why a person would stay in an abusive relationship. But there are many reasons. Strong emotional and psychological forces keep the victim tied to the abuser. Sometimes situational realities like a lack of money keep the victim from leaving. The reasons for staying vary from one victim to the next, and they usually involve several factors.
Emotional reasons for staying
- belief that the abusive partner will change because of his remorse and promises to stop battering
- fear of the abuser who threatens to kill the victim if abuse is reported to anyone
- insecurity about living alone
- lack of emotional support
- guilt over the failure of the relationship
- attachment to the partner
- fear of making major life changes
- feeling responsible for the abuse
- feeling helpless, hopeless and trapped
- belief that she is the only one who can help the abuser with his problems
Situational reasons for staying
- economic dependence on the abuser
- fear of physical harm to self or children
- fear of emotional damage to the children who need two parents, even if one is abusive
- fear of losing custody of the children because the abuser threatens to take the children if victim tries to leave
- lack of occupational skills
- social isolation and lack of support because abuser is often the victim’s only support system
- lack of information regarding community resources
- belief that law enforcement will not take her seriously
- lack of alternative housing
- cultural or religious constrains
Issues specific to women
Women, in particular, can experience hesitant and contradictory feelings and thoughts about the abusive partner and the relationship. These are some common reactions of the victim toward the abuser’s behavior and actions that can keep the woman in the relationship:
- feels emotionally attached to the abuser, but also feels anger toward him which she denies is grateful toward abuser for small acts of kindness and tends to explain away his violence
- is very attentive to the abuser’s needs with the mistaken belief that she will be able to anticipate his needs and prevent the beatings
- believes that the abuser will change
- believes that he needs her and feels guilty about leaving him
- may use alcohol or other drugs to cope with the anxiety, fear or depression
- justifies the violence and feels responsible for it
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FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If
you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
I've recently been supporting a loved one in leaving an abusive relationship, so this topic has been on my mind lately. It's not something that many people want to talk about, but it's important to get the information out there.
If you suspect you or a loved one is involved in an abusive relationship, get help immediately. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. You can also visit their website at http://www.ndvh.org.
Self Quiz: Am I in an Abusive Relationship?
by Toby D. Goldsmith, MD
October 19, 2006
Below are some questions and checklists to help you determine if you are in an abusive relationship.[...] Consider the following two checklists.
The first list includes signs of emotional abuse. You are probably the victim of emotional abuse if your partner:
- Repeatedly gives you destructive criticism, verbal threats and browbeating.
- Always claims to be right.
- Excludes you from making decisions and claims to be the head of the household.
- Abuses your trust by lying, hiding important information and papers, cheating or being inappropriately jealous.
- Minimizes or denies abusive behavior.
- Constantly shows disrespect, puts you down or embarrasses you in front of others.
- Harasses you by following you or checking up on you.
- Prevents you from seeing your relatives or friends or insists on going everywhere with you.
- Monitors your phone calls.
The next list includes signs of physical abuse. You are a victim of physical abuse if your partner:
- Intimidates you through angry or threatening gestures.
- Destroys your belongings or household items.
- Coerces you to have sex or perform sexual acts against your will.
- Kicks, bites, stabs, pushes, burns or chokes you.
- Uses weapons to threaten or harm you or others you love.
If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, or experience these forms of emotional and physical abuse in your relationship, you should seek help. Abuse is not acceptable behavior and is not something you should just learn to live with.
Don’t be a victim that keeps this a silent disease. Seek help from relatives, friends, law enforcement or community resources. With their help, you may be able to stop the abuse or, if necessary, leave the relationship. Realize that once the abuse has started, it will nearly always get worse.
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FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If
you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
A great article for anyone in a relationship this day in age (or anyone who suspects they may be a workaholic).
Sarah
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WEDDED TO WORK: SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE FROM A DEMANDING JOB
Finding a Balance Between Work and Family is Hard But Not Impossible
By MAUREEN FARRELL
Forbes.com
Oct. 15, 2007 Special to ABCNEWS.com
Alan Meltzer told a client seven years ago that if it ever took him longer than two hours to respond to an e-mail between 5:30 in the morning and 10 at night, he'd give $5,000 to the charity of the client's choice. Meltzer, the chief executive of The Meltzer Group, a Bethesda, Md.-based insurance brokerage firm, still has the account and never had to pay off the bet.
Great for his client. Not so hot for his wife. "I was lonely a lot," says Amy Meltzer, who says she's basically raised their four kids. "I forged such a deep bond with my children that sometime when he was home it was weird. He almost wasn't part of our unit."
Despite this, Meltzer and his wife beat the odds, staying married 29 years. On average, couples in which one partner is a workaholic divorce at twice the average rate, according to a 1999 study conducted by the University of North Carolina at Charlotte's Bryan Robinson.
"In workaholic marriages, there's more marital estrangement; couples are emotionally distant from each other; and there are often thoughts of separation and divorce," says Robinson, author of Chained to the Desk: A Guidebook for Workaholics, Their Partners and Children, and the Clinicians Who Treat Them.
Robinson developed a 25-question test to distinguish workaholics from hard workers. Among his findings: While workaholics on average spend 10 hours more than non-workaholics on the job, time isn't the appropriate barometer. Mindset is. "The workaholic is on the ski slopes dreaming about getting back to work," says Robinson. "The hard worker is in the office dreaming about being on the ski slopes."
Spouses can help. To heal family and relationship angst caused by your mate's unhealthy addiction to work, Robinson says you've got to send a much-needed wakeup call. Some tricks: Go to the party alone rather than waiting. Take the children to the zoo at the time you planned.
Also helpful: Make sure time away from work is time away from work, says Jess Alberts, a professor of human communication at Arizona State University. "People who live highly structured lives need to make appointments for time off," she says. However little time it is, it's important to plan for it. "There's a huge danger that, if you don't spend downtime with partners and children, relationships will fade." Rituals like a Friday night date also help.
Finding a hobby, or any activity to engage in together, is another strategy. "Workaholics have trouble being still and connecting, so [a hobby] helps them do something and connect with you." says Robinson. Any activity will do. You can take up golf, tennis or rock climbing, or simply a bike ride or take a regular evening stroll around the neighborhood.
Workaholics should force their spouses to sit down and work through a plan for who will be responsible for all areas of domestic life and how the couple will earn enough money to support the family in both the short term and long term, says Cali Williams Yost, the author of Work+Life: Finding the Fit That's Right for You. "You almost need to sit with a pad and paper and work through everything," says Yost. It can help both spouses to understand why 70-hour weeks might make sense for several years, but they can arrange a scaling back down the road.
"You don't want one person to bear an inordinate part of the more stressful household tasks, because that's going to come back and bite you," says Rosalind Barnett, executive director of the Communities, Families and Work Program at Brandeis University. It's important to reassess your happiness and satisfaction with the level of housework, time spent together and what amount of time you each spend at work and home. At one time in life, it might work for the spouse of a workaholic, but if that changes, it's important to talk about it.
In the end, though, "There's often only so much the spouse can do, and there comes a point at which it's up to the workaholic to make the change," says Robinson. "For people who are true workaholics, there are [psychological] roots that were there long before the spouse came along."
FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If
you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
Is badgering a sign of love? Find out where the badgering is coming from and here's how to stop it.
Why do I always badger my spouse over the smallest things? I truly feel deep love, but I always get so upset over nothing. Is it because the love is so strong that I'm looking for perfection?
Badgering is a way to call attention to something you don't like in someone you do like. It would be a wonderful character trait - and it¹s very romantic of you to think so - if finding fault were simply a sign of love. But actually, it's merely a sign of being alive.
All animals are pre-programmed to look for incongruities between our expectations and reality. When experimental monkeys are marked with paint, they are shunned by other monkeys; when birds in research centers get their wings cut, they are not chosen by other birds for mating. People, likewise are very attentive to incongruities in other people, and are likely to be upset by them.
So, while finding fault is a characteristic of all animals, and not a sign of love, badgering is, as far as I can tell, a distinct human trait. Badgering links the observation of a fault with the insistence on the part of the individual who found fault that the other correct him or herself. Whew, that's a mouthful. Ironically, we don't usually badger unfamiliar or unloved people - we save this feedback for the poor souls whom we are
closest to.
Think about it; if the cashier at the supermarket looks like he hasn't combed his hair in weeks, you don't tell him to clean up his act. But if your husband hasn't picked up his socks from the floor you're right on it,
reminding him of his mess! The cost of having a close relationship - or a marriage - is that each of you wants the other to meet certain standards.
Why We Badger
We badger because we think it is an effective way of fixing faults in others. It doesn't work. I've met with many individuals that say, "If he (or she) just stopped badgering me, I would do it!" Frankly, that doesn't
work either.
It's not possible to get someone to change unless you let him or her know that something is out of place for you. So not saying anything is unlikely to get you what you want, yet unless you ask for what you want in the right way, you may also come out empty handed.
But before you try to change your partner, the first question you need to ask is: "Is this so important?" There are a number of litmus tests that will help you decide whether it's worth going down the "I love you exactly the way you are - now change" road.
Ask yourself:
1. On a scale of 1-10, how would I rank this issue? [If it¹s not a 7-10, consider letting it go.]
2. Twenty minutes from now (or 20 days, or 20 years) will this issue really have made that much of a difference? [If not, consider taking a step back.]
3. How much of a burden would it place on my partner to change this, versus how much do I gain from it.
4. Am I asking him or her to do something that just isn't part of their nature, and comes out of my own insecurities?
If you do feel compelled to seek some change in your mate, it¹s better to work for common happiness rather than insist on change because you alone want it. Instead of complaining about what he or she is doing wrong, try some of these strategies:
1. Don't finger point ("you're inconsiderate!"), that just prompts defensiveness. Instead, describe how the issue and your mates actions affect you ("I feel frustrated when I have to always pick up the socks you leave around").
2. We are drawn to faults, yes, but your spouse still has many positive traits. Make sure to take the time to point out the things about your mate that you value.
3. Avoid getting defensive, yourself, if your partner resists changing at first. Change takes time, and your mate needs your understanding.
4. Respect your partner. Your mate has an opportunity to be a source of inspiration and information to you, if you show you are open to it. Feeling respected is critical in relationships; give your spouse the respect
you would want for yourself.
Remember that the phrase "Growing old together" includes the word "growing" - this means that each of you will move in different directions as you spend your lives together in ways that you adore and ways that
drive you nuts. Finding the way to accept some of these changes, and discovering ways to change your spouse's behavior without being critical, is part of that growth.
Dr. Haltzman is a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University. He is also the author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever." You can find Dr. Haltzman at www.DrScott.com.
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FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
