The Modern Life Survival Guide

Strategies for Success: Identifying Obstacles (Part 1)

I just started teaching a new class at Everest College this month – a Strategies for Success class.  This class is required for all new students (fresh meat!).  As a Life Coach, one of my passions is thinking about and implementing strategies for success in life, so this class has quickly become one of my favorite ways to spend a few hours during the week (seriously, I’m being paid to do what I would do at a coffee shop with my best friend…. I love my life).  Anyway, on our first day, I asked the class to name some potential obstacles to their success as they transition into this new phase of their lives (starting a college program).  Here were a few of their responses:

·        Being surrounded by unsupportive people.  This is a difficult obstacle, because most people in our lives have an incentive to maintain the status quo.  They don’t want things to change (even if it’s a positive change).  Your success will most likely create a lot of change in your life, and by extension, theirs.  Our family or friends may want us to become our best self in theory, but the reality of that success may threaten the stability they enjoy in their lives.

·        Negative thinking.  Many of us are good at being positive when things are going well in our lives.  But what happens when your life get difficult?  Does your inner-monologue immediately become, “I can’t do this.  I don’t know why I ever thought I could.” Or some other equally negative thought?  I know personally, I’m my own worst critic.  It’s hard to stay positive when things aren’t going the way I expected them to or would like them to.  But this is one of the quickest ways to sabotage our success.

·        Losing motivation.  I always get really excited when I decide to make a big change in my life.  I start planning on how I’m going to execute my new plan.  I think about how wonderful life will be when I accomplish whatever goal I’ve just committed to.  But inevitably at some point reality sets in and the details of my plan become more than I bargained for.  At some point before completing whatever I’ve set out to do, things get difficult, and I think of all of the reasons why quitting sounds like a wonderful new plan.  Clearly, a huge barrier to success.

·        Getting bored.  Another obstacle my students mentioned was boredom.  I can relate to that.  Sometimes life gets dull.  Every once in a while, things just don’t seem as rosy as they once did.  And trying to stay on track when you want to beat your head against a wall is not easy.

·        Falling behind (not understanding or distraction).  And the other big obstacle to success we discussed was falling behind, either because the work gets too difficult or because other priorities take precedence.  This obstacle can arise whether you’re in a college classroom, at a new job, or have just taken on a new commitment.

Most of us are constantly working toward personal growth and creating a life that is meaningful to us.  And as we continue on this journey, there are plenty of opportunities to get pulled off track for one reason or another.  But hopefully by pinpointing the potential barriers to ending up where we want to be (wherever that may be), we can be more prepared if and when these obstacles arise.  Next month we’ll talk about different ways to overcome these obstacles to success.  In the meantime, consider your own obstacles to success.  What is currently holding you back from creating the life you were meant to live?

Taking Stock of Your Life: What Needs Your Focus Now?

When I was a kid, I loved the holiday season. Singing Christmas carols, decorating trees, making cookies, and of course, exchanging gifts! But as I get older, I enjoy the hoopla that surrounds the holidays less and less. Maybe it comes from being a part of a huge family (8 siblings, a dozen cousins, parents, step- parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews - and it's growing bigger every year!). Anyway, instead of good cheer and happiness, the holidays have started to involve stress, obligations, chaos, and an overall disruption in my normally (somewhat) peaceful life. I know, I know, I sound like Scrooge's second cousin, Bad Attitude. But there is one part of the holidays that I still look forward to - the start of the New Year.

For some reason, I feel like I've just finished a marathon by the time the New Year rolls around. Like I've accomplished an impossible feat by surviving the holidays, and now it's time to get back to ME. The New Year has become a wonderful time for me to take stock of what I enjoy about my life, and what I want to change about my life in the upcoming year. As I say hello to 2008, I've decided that this is what I'm going to work on (my "New Year's Resolutions," if you will):

1) Focus on personal growth. This is a huge one for me this year, and I am so excited! For the last 5 years, I've been in and out of serious relationships, so I haven't taken the time to connect with who I really am, deep down. But this year I'm committing to my personal growth. The plan: enjoy my solitude, indulge my desires and pursue my life goals for myself and no one else.

2) Apply new skills. As I look back on the last year, I realize that most of what I did throughout 2007 was to learn how to live life differently. I moved to a different city. I started exploring different career opportunities. I experimented. I got out of my comfort zone. I learned to solve problems in new ways. And I began to trust that life would unfold in unpredictable (but ultimately perfect) ways. This year, I'll continue to let my life evolve by following my passion and being open to new paths. The only rules - follow my instincts, keep an open mind, and trust that it will all work out.

3) Nurture friendships. I've always been an outgoing person. I love meeting new people, hearing their stories, and trading life lessons. But I haven't always appreciated or valued the important people in my life to the extent that I should. Looking back, I've definitely been guilty of taking really good friendships for granted. But this year, staying connected to the people who light up my life is something I want to become better at.

I could probably come up with a list of at least 10 other things I want to improve this year, and maybe as I feel more comfortable with these, I'll start on those. But for now, I think this is a good start.

Life Lessons from a Toddler

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time with my two and-a-half year-old nephew lately. I have to say, he’s freakin’ awesome. He’s playful. He laughs a lot. He’s just learning how to string words together in (sometimes) full sentences. He’s just so much fun to be around. But when I really pay attention, I’m amazed at the wisdom he bestows upon my life (unintentionally, I assume). Here are a few life lessons I’ve learned from the coolest toddler in my world:

1) Life should be fun. No matter what, my nephew is always on the lookout for something fun to do. Coloring, swimming, playing basketball, going down slides, hiding in a kitchen cabinet, smearing paint on the walls…. it really doesn’t matter, as long as he’s having a good time. This week I actually put “do something fun” on my to do list. Seriously. For him, this is an easy and natural task. As adults, it would behoove us to remember that sometimes “because I want to” is a good enough reason to do something.

2) Don’t worry about what other people think. As a toddler who still isn’t completely aware of what is and is not “socially acceptable”, he just does what he wants to do. He splashes at least 3 gallons of water on floor at bath-time. He squeals with delight (quite loudly, I might add) in a restaurant when he sees Halloween “pokins” (that’s “pumpkins” for those of you unfamiliar with Toddlerese). He dips chicken in BBQ sauce, then just licks off the sauce. Are these things he’ll do when he gets older? Maybe not. But I love the fact that other people’s opinions of these actions don’t even cross his mind. That’s true freedom to me.

3) Keep trying until you get it right. I also admire my nephew’s ability to keep his attention on a task until he gets it right. Whether it’s stacking blocks 20 times in a row until they STAY stacked. Or learning how to catch a ball. Or eating rice with a fork (his patience with this undertaking is almost inhuman). But he never gives up, and it’s awesome to see his giant bright smile when he finally gets it. That perseverance.

4) Speak your mind. My nephew has been speaking for a while now. He knows lots of words. But what’s amazing is how he’s finally learning how to impact his life with those words. He’s now capable of telling me “milk, please” or “go to the park.” My personal favorite: “No, thaaaaank you” (in a slightly annoyed tone). He’s at that lovely age when he’s certainly not shy about telling people what he wants (and what he DOESN’T want). He’s learning how to set boundaries with those around him, and in doing so he’s capable of changing his experiences in the world (well, for the most part… he is still two). As an adult, I still have trouble getting clear on what I want and don’t want out of life. But he reminds me that setting boundaries and clarifying my needs to others is a natural thing to do.

5) Give lots of hugs. Ahhh, my favorite lesson. As a two year-old (and as a new Big Brother who is learning how to share attention from mommy), my nephew can’t get enough hugs. He’s more affectionate than anyone I know. Whenever I’m in a bad (or sad or stressed) mood, he has the ability to cheer me up with one of those genuinely lovable hugs. What a priceless gift.

Toddlers don’t have all of the answers, obviously. But I have a feeling they know more than we give them credit for. Spend a little time with a child this week and see what you can learn. You may be surprised!

Burnout: 5 Warning Signs that You're Doing Too Much

I thought I was over the hurry-up, crazy-busy phase of my life. After all, that was the whole point of leaving behind the bustling metropolis of Boston in the first place (well, one of them). When I arrived in Park City, Utah, I envisioned long bike rides and relaxing evenings with friends. I had dreams of leisurely mornings where I meditated and enjoyed my tea on the patio as the sun came up. My job would be rewarding yet stress-free and all of my problems would melt away in this beautiful mountain resort town. I would be a model of balance, calm and utmost kindness.

Not so much.

Turns out, I’m just as busy in Park City as I was in Boston or San Francisco. And finally, after months of doing too much, I surrendered to the exhaustion. Now, after 3 days of self-imposed reflection (okay, I had the flu), I recognize a few of the warning signs that led to my ultimate burnout. Are any of these red flags familiar to you?

Sign No. 1: Snapping at friends and family. I’m generally a lovely person. Really. I’m sweet and fun and full of energy. So when I find myself taking off the heads of my loved ones, I know I must be getting overwhelmed.

What to do: Look deeper and figure out what you really need. Then ask for it. Do you need some time to yourself? Do you need a hug and a sympathetic friend to vent to? Do you need help with carpool or grocery shopping? Go ahead - ask for what you need. I promise, you’ll get a much better reaction than yelling at your loved ones for no reason.

Sign No. 2: Letting personal hobbies fall by the wayside. There are a few things that I know will make me feel calmer: meditating, writing in my journal, reading in a coffee shop, going for a walk. So why do I avoid these activities at all costs when I’m stressed out? Here are some of the reasons I tell myself: “I’m too busy for that silly stuff! I have real work to do!” Or “If I slow down for long, then I’ll drop all of the little balls I’ve been juggling. I’ll lose control and won’t be able to stop the world from caving in.” Or (more subconsciously) “What if I really am doing too much – what would I do about all of these commitments? I’ll have to (gasp!) let other people down! Never! I’ll just get out of bed an hour earlier every morning.”

What to do: Enjoy some personal time every day. Force yourself to take a time-out, even if it’s just for 20 minutes a day. Take the time to stop, breathe and connect with yourself. Just too busy, you say? Then write down all of your commitments, and cross the least important item off the list. Then plan on doing something for yourself in your new free time.

Sign No. 3: Running late. Okay, I’m not always the most punctual person on the planet. But when I’m really doing too much, I get even later. Five minutes late becomes an hour late. My friends get annoyed with me, and then I get resentful because, hey, at least I made it (don’t they KNOW how precious my time is!?!). My life becomes one big rush, and I never feel like I have time to slow down.

What to do: Plan ahead and schedule extra time in your calendar. If you think it’s going to take you 10 minutes to get to that meeting across town, plan on 30 minutes. If you’re certain you’ll be home by 6:00 PM, tell your family you’ll be home at 6:30. Trick yourself into being on time until you can accurately assess how long your activities really take. This will help you avoid over-committing your time.

Sign No. 4: Channeling Debbie Downer. If you’re a Saturday Night Live fan, you’ll recognize this reference. When I’m doing too much, my mood darkens. All of a sudden, the wonderful things I used to appreciate about my life vanish, and I zero in on anything that could become a problem. I worry. Then I complain. A lot.

What to do: If you have an incredible urge to find the worst in every situation, you’re probably on the verge of burnout. Write down all of your complaints of the day. Go ahead, include that you’ll never get that promotion because, clearly, you’re too fat. And your best friend must be mad at you because she hasn’t called in over three days. Just go for it and really get it out. Then take that list, and force yourself to turn every complaint into something positive. For example, “my job is boring and meaningless” would become “my job gives me the freedom to live in my beautiful home and support my three children, but I’m ready for a change.”

Sign No. 5: Becoming a Control Freak. When I’m relaxed in life, I go with the flow. I adapt to different situations. I’m flexible. Even challenges seem like fun little games rather than issues to me. But when I’m doing too much, suddenly it’s crucial that I get everything right. There is NO room for error. I become super-serious. My propensity for perfection kicks in. I try to plan for every little speed bump that could possibly come up, because God knows if one little thing goes wrong, it’ll blow the whole works.

What to do: Don’t hold on so tight. Step back and realize that life isn’t that serious. It’s okay to screw up, or to turn in one project past the deadline, or even (gasp!) tell people “no.” When you find yourself trying to micro-manage your life, you’re holding on too tight. Stop trying to control everything, and tell yourself that you’re only one person, you can only do so much, and life is meant to be enjoyed.

Conclusion

I’m reading a book right now called Slowing Down to the Speed of Life, by Richard Carlson (he also authored Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… and It’s All Small Stuff). In his book, Carlson points out that we cannot change our external environment and expect our overall lifestyle to follow suit. External changes are superficial. They may appear to fix all of your problems on the surface, but ultimately you’ll just revert back to your old ways in time (prime example: my ability to burnout in the middle of one of the most serene vacation spots on the planet). In order to make lasting changes, we have to change within first, and then watch our external experiences change as a result of that internal shift. It’s not easy, but creating peace within ourselves is the only way to truly avoid burnout.

Perfectionists Beware: 4 Things You're Missing Out On

For most of my life, I've been afraid of making mistakes - afraid of looking like a fool, afraid of having to do something more than once, afraid that people will think that I'm not "good enough" or "smart enough". I remember in 6th grade, a teacher of mine wrote the following comment on my report card: "Sarah fakes it till she makes it." I was completely offended. I decided then and there that no one would accuse me of "faking it" in life again. Behold the birth of a perfectionist.

What I didn't realize was that the life of the perfectionist isn't always that rosy either. It takes a lot of work to avoid making mistakes! You spend an obscene amount of time double- and triple-checking little details. You try to predict all possible outcomes of a situation so you can be prepared for anything. You get annoyed with yourself when you DO make a mistake (since - inevitably - the world will conspire to catch us off guard). I suppose that's the biggest problem with being a perfectionist: it's an impossible goal.
It's taken me a long time (my whole adult life!) to realize that being a perfectionist isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've started to realize that I'm missing out on (or, more accurately, avoiding) some of the best parts of this journey called life, simply because I've been afraid of being fallible, of being human. Well, as a recovering perfectionist, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind other perfectionists out there of what they're missing:

1) Free time. Since it's no longer necessary to be awesome at everything I do, I've been able to define those things that I KNOW I'm just not very good at (like math, for one). Acknowledging my personal limitations in certain areas has freed me up to focus on the things I know I really am good at (and actually enjoy doing!). I don't spend nearly as much time trying to kick ass at something that I don't naturally excel at.

2) Self-Love. It's a wonderful feeling to allow yourself to just be who you are. When you stop trying so hard to make it look like you've got everything under control, all of a sudden you lose the need to prove to anyone else that you're a good person. Your natural strengths and weaknesses just are what they are. More than that, your strengths and weaknesses make you completely unique. Instead of a robot that's just like everyone else, you become a rare and precious person. You become dynamic and interesting. It's much easier to appreciate yourself when you learn to love your shortfalls just as much as your talents.

3) Connection with others. There's a great line in the movie "Two Weeks Notice" with Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock. Sandra Bullock plays a stuffy (perfectionist) attorney who works for Hugh Grant, a fun-loving, successful business man. At the end of the movie, Hugh's character finally tells Sandra's: "Nobody likes Saints. Saints are boring!" It's true! How many people do you want to hang out with who correct your grammar all the time, tell you all about their accomplishments and follow along behind you to fix your mistakes? I don't know about you, but I'd rather spend time with the person who can laugh at themselves and enjoy life. As a bonus, being imperfect actually endears you to others. All of a sudden, people not only tolerate you, they can relate to you.

4) Valuable life lessons. People always say we learn the most from our failures, our mistakes. I think there are other ways to learn valuable lessons in life as well, but this way really does work! Every so often, I'll screw up big-time. I'll go for the gold, and I'll end up barely finishing last. But what I learn from those experiences is that it's really NOT about the accomplishment. It's not about the thing we're trying to achieve. It's about building solid personal character, and allowing life to seep into our bones. The destination may be a nice bonus, but the journey is really what it's all about. Take the time to appreciate the little steps along the way, and when you get to the end of the road, you'll look back with some fantastic memories (and maybe even a few stories to tell your grandchildren).

One of my favorite quotes is: "Life is not meant to be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, well preserved body. Instead live life to the fullest... slide in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other screaming "WOOOHOOO what a ride!!" You're simply not going to have a wild ride if you're trying like hell to make it all perfect. Just go for it, don't worry so much, and enjoy the ride!

Self-Reliance: 7 Tips for Finding Your Strength Within

I've always been a big believer in having an extensive support system. Being able to rely on your loved ones is one of the most powerful tools you can use to get through a difficult time (or to celebrate happy occasions!). But I've noticed a recent trend where we're starting to rely on our "urban tribes" even more than ourselves. Our friends and family become all-powerful sources of wisdom. They help us analyze situations, make decisions and then examine the outcome of those choices. In order to really make it through all of the ups and downs we'll experience throughout our lifetime, it's absolutely critical that we are able to rely on ourselves first. Here are a few ways to make sure your most important relationship, the one with yourself, is as strong as possible.

1. Connect with yourself on a daily basis. With all of the distractions at our fingertips these days, it's so easy to avoid getting in touch with who we really are. But until we know and truly understand ourselves from within, we'll never be strong enough to rely on ourselves. Begin a daily ritual that helps you connect with your deepest feelings, thoughts and values. Do yoga, meditate, read, journal, go for a walk, etc. Whatever you decide to do, spend this time alone with yourself, and try to do it when you won't be interrupted.

2. Embrace your challenges. We all face challenges in life. There's just no getting around it. So why do so many people try to avoid them? What would happen if we just embraced difficult situations, and accepted them as lessons that are coming up to help us grow as individuals? What if it were okay to be uncomfortable? Stop resisting the challenges that come your way, and start looking beyond the surface of the problem. Start allowing difficult situations to open you up to new ways of approaching life.

3. Be patient with yourself. Sometimes we're pretty clear on how to overcome our challenges, and other times we don't have the first clue. When you find yourself in the middle of a difficult situation, try to resist the temptation to react as quickly as possible in order to restore comfort in your life. Resisting your difficulties only makes them more pronounced. But truly experiencing your challenges and working through them will help you overcome them for good. Be patient and allow the right solution to arise when it's time. Trust that you can survive this challenge.

4. Get support from others, but take it all with a grain of salt. No one else on this planet knows you the way you know yourself. No one else has had your experiences. No one else understands your exact perspective on the world. They all see the world from their own vantage point. Getting advice or seeking clarity from people you trust is a helpful tool to use in coming up with the right solution to a problem. But in the end, no one else can live your life for you. Make sure you keep in touch with what you ultimately want, not what others think is best for you.

5. Follow your intuition. How can you make sure you're approaching a problem in the best way possible? The most effective tool I've found is my intuition. It's easy to get caught up in other people's opinions about life and to second-guess your natural reactions, but once you learn to trust your instincts, you'll find that you're led down the right path more often than not.

6. Take ownership of your choices. It's easy to look outside of ourselves for the cause of our current reality. But every single choice you've made in your life has led you to where you are today. On the surface it seems easier to blame outside influences for our plight. But here's a secret: taking ownership of your choices allows you to regain control of your life. By taking responsibility for your choices, you get to make new ones that will allow you to create the reality you really want in the future.

7. Get in the driver's seat. Ultimately, you are the only one in this world who can create your ideal life. Relying on yourself means trusting yourself above all others, following your heart and owning your responsibility to make this life as amazing as possible. Take charge of your life and make sure you're the one making the final decisions.

Letting Go: Steps to Moving On From Your Past

If you've been reading my column over the last few months, you'll know that I've been through quite a bit of transition lately. I relocated across the country (twice!). I moved into a new condo with a new roommate. I live in a new town. I have a new career, new friends, new hangouts, new hobbies. . . . when I look back at the life I was leading just six months ago, I can't believe how different everything is - how different I am. I barely recognize the life I used to lead.

But lately I've noticed that even though all of the external parts of my life have changed, my internal responses are still intact. The phrase "old habits die hard" has certainly been true for me. I find that when I run into challenges, my first reaction is to respond the way I used to. Except now those responses just don't fit. I find that I can't just jump right back into my old career when my new one is difficult. I can't just run back to my old relationship when I get lonely. And I can't just head to the beach when I need to clear my head. I've moved on, for better or worse.

So the question that keeps coming up for me lately is: how does one let go of their past? How can we release patterns of behavior (and thoughts, and beliefs) that once served us, but that no longer work under new circumstances? Everyone goes through changes in their lives. So how can we make sure our personal development is keeping up with our external environment?

1) Pay attention when you're struggling. Since I had been on auto-pilot for so long, I didn't even realize at first that I was reacting to my new life the same way I had reacted to my old one. Then one day I realized that I was struggling in areas of my life that had always worked before. It took me a little while, but I finally figured out that I was struggling because I was trying to solve new problems with old solutions, which just didn't apply anymore.

2) Surrendering to the inevitable. Once I realized that I would have to let go of what was very familiar to me (my way of dealing with the world), I panicked. I tried to hold on to those beliefs and those behaviors for just a little while longer. I knew what I was doing wasn't working, but at that point my old, familiar approach was more comforting to me than learning new ways of living. But after a while, I realized that learning new ways of being was necessary in order to truly let go of the past and move into a more fulfilling future.

3) Replacing the old habits with new ones. It's not enough to just stop unwanted behavior. Once you know what you want to release from your life, try replacing your old habits with newer, more appropriate ones. Get creative and experiment. Transition periods are stressful, but they can also be a lot of fun! Re-invent yourself. Come up with a new plan for dealing with your daily life. And look to who you want to become in the future to guide you in the right direction.

Unmotivated? 7 Tips for Getting Back in the Groove

I have to be honest. . . the last thing I want to do right now is write an article. I'm blaming it on the beautiful spring weather. Or perhaps I'm just burned out and I need a break. No wait, I'm tired because I had to get up early this morning. Yeah, that's it. . .

Regardless of my excuses (believe me, I could probably come up with at least 10 or 20 more), the fact remains that I have a completely blank newsletter with space for one brilliant article, and loyal readers expecting nothing less than profound words of wisdom. So what's a tired, burned-out spring fever sufferer to do? Well, here's what I'm going to try:

1) Acceptance. Have you ever tried to simply observe how you're feeling, without judging it or trying to change it? Sometimes trying to force myself to work on a project when I don't want to triggers the rebellious teenager in me ("you can't make me!"), which certainly doesn't help my motivation. On the other hand, I find that taking a step back and accepting how I feel in the moment helps me to work through those feelings a lot faster.

2) Slowing down. I'm one of those productive, ambitious types. I can't really help it - there's so much I want to do with my time, that sitting around doing nothing is hard for me. But I've learned over the years that sometimes doing nothing is exactly what I need to regain my motivation. Slowing down and re-connecting with my thoughts and my feelings helps me tap back into the creativity and passion that was temporarily blocked.

3) Breaking up the task. Okay, so what about those projects that simply can't be ignored or put aside until we naturally regain our motivation? Things like newsletter deadlines, or making dinner for the kids, or that big presentation that's due on Monday? How do you get motivated when the ticking of the clock is all you can hear? I've found that breaking up the task (whatever it is) into small pieces helps me get one foot in front of the other. Am I taking my precious time in accomplishing the task? Well, yes. . . at first. But at least I have forward motion. And once I've tricked myself into getting the job done, somewhere in the process my motivation seems to find its way back to me.

4) Delegating. Another tool - find someone else to help with the task at hand (or to take it over completely!). We're all going to have days where we just can't get our behinds in gear. What's saved me in those moments is having a solid support system that I can rely on to take over when I can't bring myself to be productive. Of course, I have to pitch in for them once in a while too, but that give-and-take can definitely help take the pressure off of performing when you're not in the mood.

5) Negotiating. I find that most of my deadlines aren't set in stone. A lot of them are negotiable, which means I have an opportunity to buy myself some time to get motivated. If I am feeling pressured to complete a task and I'm just not in the right head-space to do it, I ask myself whether this is a firm deadline, or is it something that can be postponed a few days (or even a few hours).

6) Get organized. Sometimes I find that what I'm feeling isn't even a lack of motivation - it's overwhelm. I'm the type of person who can't sit down and concentrate on a project when my house is a mess or if I have too much to do and don't know where to start. In these instances, it helps to give myself 30 minutes to get organized before I try to tackle the main project.

7) Just do it. And sometimes (like today), I really do just have to suck it up. Would I rather be outside riding my bike in the gorgeous weather or taking an afternoon nap? Sure. . . but sometimes life beckons and all you can do is follow through with your responsibilities.

And with that said, I'm off to enjoy the last few hours of sunshine in the park.

How to Know When Your Marriage is Really Over

By Kirsten Gronning, The Divorce Coach

I knew it was really over when I had explored every option - every chance of reconciliation and couple counselling and realized that we both needed to be committed to saving the marriage and that simply wasn't going to happen. But I also started to feel more rational as I faced what to me became inevitable and I found myself thinking ahead and planning how to best part.

There is an excellent and inexpensive booklet published by The Aquila Care Trust* (www.aquilatrust.org) entitled 'Reconciliation - Give up Giving Up'* which is aimed at couples who both wish to rescue their relationship. According to the workbook, a healthy ratio of marital interaction is five positive exchanges to every negative one. How many of each are type you exchanging? Do you need to up the positives? Can you up them? If not, why not?

The workbook lists the causes of serious cracks in a relationship and details how these types of communication indicate a marriage under pressure:

Being over-critical Do you or your spouse make personal negative comments about one another's character or personality? Do you blame or accuse each other of general, rather than specific, complaints e.g. 'You never listen to me' or 'You always do what you want'?

Contempt/lack of respect Do you call your spouse nasty names or insult them, perhaps disguised as humour?

Defensiveness Do you take a defensive stance, perhaps denying responsibility, making excuses, throwing in 'red herrings' or setting up counter attacks?

Silent treatment/stone walling Do you physically withdraw, refusing to communicate?

If you are still unsure, try asking these powerful questions from the Aquila* booklet:

Do I accept that we both have contributed to the marriage breakdown?
Am I aware that the only person I can change is myself?
Am I sure I am not just making excuses to avoid putting in the required effort?
Am I willing to create a new relationship with my partner?
Am I willing to become the type of person I want my partner to be?

Do we both answer an honest 'yes' to all the questions? If so, you have a good chance of rescuing your relationship and a good place to start is by ordering the above workbook or seeking help from Relate (www.relate.org.uk).

You may, however, now know that it is unlikely you can save the relationship. Often relationships are beyond saving and relationship counsellors are often faced with helping couples separate in the best way possible so that they can both move on. If you have explored every possibility for saving the marriage and are feeling like leaving home, reconsider. Wouldn't you be better off hanging on in there and try to resolve the issues, though that will undoubtedly mean facing up to some hard questions and some uncomfortable situations, in the short term?

You may decide to stay on in the relationship anyway, and see how it develops, even though you may suspect you will be back in the same place in a little while. If you are one of the many people who find it difficult to handle endings, not just in relationships, but in all areas of your life, you may avoid making the break, stringing it out and finding it impossible to finish it. This may lead to a 'shell marriage' or 'staying together for the sake of the children' or a trial separation or an affair - all avoidance tactics which may eventually lead to a permanent split.

Or you may decide that it is definitely over. If you can reach this decision calmly, pat yourself on the back because you are best placed to try to resolve the many difficult issues and plan for the best possible outcome for everyone involved. Once you have faced up to the fact that it is over you may well see that the very fact that it seemed impossible was the biggest barrier of all, bigger even than the financial or the children's issues.

The fear of endings is often why so many people are stuck in intensely unhappy relationships. If you have children it becomes more complicated and for some people there is the fear that they may not find another partner. Coping on your own, whether or not you are the one with residence of the children, might be a major issue, along with financial worries. Feelings of loss and failure may be overwhelming, coupled with loss of self-esteem.

You may see the need for an ending - a line drawn under the relationship which brings it to a close. That is not to say you will never see your ex-partner again, or that that the good times can't be remembered, but aiming to develop a new kind of relationship with your ex-partner which works, especially if you have children. It will not be possible to comply with everyone's wishes, which may conflict with your own.

These questions will explore where the relationship is and give you some more handles on how to progress:

What is our relationship now?
Can I separate this view from the hopes of what it might have been?
Can I let go of any anger and disappointment I feel now about the relationship?
Can I find a coping strategy which will boost my self-esteem?
Can I take control by concentrating on what I can do now and in the future?

*Aquila - www.aquilatrust.org is a not for profit organisation that supports adults experiencing the trauma of relationship breakdown, separation and divorce. As well as offering telephone and email support. Aquila runs a recovery programme called Breakthrough. This is offered in a number of local areas, but also as a residential weekend programme so that people across the
UK can access Aquila's support. See Aquila's website for full details of its services, or phone their Central Office on 01892 665524.

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Exclusion of liability and disclaimer

This information is intended for information only and on the understanding that the author is not engaged in tendering legal or financial advice. If legal advice is required the services of a solicitor should be sought. If financial advice is required the services of an independent financial adviser should be sought. The purchaser or user of this material assumes responsibility for the use of the information. The Divorce Coach accepts no responsibility for the services or content of any other sites mentioned here.
©2006 Kirsten Gronning

Call: +44(0)208 123 9046
E-mail: kirsten@divorcecoaching.co.uk
For more information: www.divorcecoaching.co.uk

The Number One Predictor of Divorce Is...

When I ask my clients what they think the number one predictor of divorce is, here are a few of the answers I receive:

Can’t communicate?
Household chores?
Money issues?
Differences in values?
Infidelity?
Stress from jobs and kids?
Not enough time for each other?

Well, these are all very good answers, but none of them are correct. Actually, the number one predictor of divorce, according to extensive studies done at Dr. John Gottman’s Love Lab is… avoiding conflict. That’s right. Studies show that couples who avoid fighting with their partner aren’t doing themselves any favors. Instead, they’re practically rushing to divorce court. Why? Because when couples avoid conflict, they’re just putting off the inevitable. Relationships are complex. Merging two separate individuals, with different experiences, perspectives, values, needs, etc. is not an easy thing to do. Conflict is bound to arise. And when those conflicts occur, both partners need to figure out a way to manage it, and to manage it effectively. When they ignore the tension, resentment, isolation and disconnection start to build up until it’s all too much to handle. On the other hand, when couples do confront their differences directly and productively, they learn how to work together as a team, which is one of the strongest antidotes to divorce.

Dr. Gottman suggests that there are specific ways to address issues that come up in your relationship so that you’re actually strengthening your bond with your partner, rather than flirting with a separation. Follow these rules for managing fights with your partner and you’ll probably be one of those fortunate couples who actually lives to see their golden wedding anniversary:

Have “soft start-up”. When initiating a conversation about something that may escalate, make sure you start off your conversation off on the right foot. Many couples are so annoyed or angry by the time they address an issue with their partner, they launch right into a list of criticisms without giving their partner the benefit of the doubt. Instead, begin your conversation off as calmly and respectfully as possible.

Bring up issues immediately. Don’t let them fester. Many couples hope that whatever is bothering them will go away if they just give it time. But the opposite usually happens. Small annoyances turn into major issues. So the next time you realize something is on your mind (even if you think it’s something small), open the lines of communication with your partner as soon as possible.

No stonewalling. In a lot of relationships, one partner likes to talk more than the other. So when big issues come up, the partner who isn’t so keen on talking may be tempted to walk away from the conversation rather than get embroiled in a big fight. But that just makes your partner feel like their feelings and their concerns aren’t valued. Instead, make an effort to sit down and talk about the issue as long as the discussion is rational and productive. If things get heated, then tell your partner that you need a breather and you’d like to come back to the conversation at a later time (just make sure you set a specific time!).

There are a lot of things to keep in mind when you’re dealing with conflict in your relationship. But focusing on these 3 tips will help you transform your “conflicts” into “discussions”. Mastering these suggestions will not only help you avoid divorce, but it will help you create a loving and committed relationship that makes you happier than you ever anticipated.