It’s no secret that women like to talk about relationships (um, hello?I made a whole career of it).And I suppose most of what we females discuss could be classified as ‘drama’: the jerk who didn’t call, who’s breaking up with whom, the big fight the perfect couple had, etc.The list could go on and on.But when I started talking about this topic with a few of my guy friends, I became enlightened.Guys apparently talk about their relationships too.Except they have a positive spin on relationship drama – they think drama can be a good thing.
Okay, yes.I suppose I can agree with that.Who hasn’t gotten excited after a great first date, or when their new crush called to say hello?I certainly have.And for those of you who are engaged or happily married, I imagine the moment your significant other proposed or the day you walked down the aisle was somewhat dramatic.So what’s the difference between ‘good’ drama and ‘bad’ drama?And how can you create more ‘good’ drama in your relationships, and release the hold ‘bad’ drama has on you?
Defining Good v. Bad Drama
First of all, let’s discuss the difference between good relationship drama and bad relationship drama.Good drama contributes to growth in your relationship.When you and your partner engage in drama, it serves to open the door to a stronger bond between the two of you.Good drama encourages you to open your mind and your heart so you can approach your relationship in a new way.It helps you both explore new perspectives, and allows you to connect in new ways.It may not always be easy or fun, but good drama is a key factor in facilitating healthy long-term change in your relationship (and by extension, in your life).
Bad relationship drama, on the other hand, is a source of pain.It makes you feel worse about yourself.It causes you to second-guess your intuition, your self-worth and your ability to open your heart to others.Bad relationship drama keeps you in a state of frustration, fear and withholding.And while it may appear to be interesting for a while, bad drama never fails to leave you in a negative state.If you find yourself feeling anxious, annoyed or contentious with your partner on a regular basis, or if your fights are no longer productive, you are definitely experiencing bad relationship drama.
Tips for Eliminating Bad Drama and Creating Good Drama
There was a time in my life when I was content experiencing bad drama in my life, and I admit I even resisted eliminating it completely.It turns out this is a common habit.Physiologically, we become fueled by the exhilaration of extreme feelings (whether they’re negative or positive), and then we can become addicted to those emotional highs.But once you realize that the turmoil you’re dealing with isn’t worth it, you’ll know you’re ready to forgo all of that bad drama to make room for the good drama in your life.And here’s how you can do it (special thanks to Bill from NYC, Ms. Stacy M., and a couple of boys who can only be referred to as The Earl and The Duke, who helped me generate these tips for you):
1)Consider the ways in which you allow bad drama into your relationships.Are you only attracted to ‘bad boys’?Do you get a charge from picking fights with your girlfriend?Do you thrive on the attention you get when you create drama in your relationships?Once you know how you invite bad drama into your life, you’ll become more aware of your contribution to it.Knowing where it comes from (and taking ownership of it) is half the battle.
2)Begin making healthier choices.If you’re truly committed to eradicating bad drama from your life, make the conscious choice to stop allowing people in your life who trigger that drama in you.Start surrounding yourself with people who bring happiness into your life instead (by the way, this goes for romantic relationships, as well as friendships, relationships with family, co-workers, etc.).Be at ease with yourself and find peace in having consistency in your interactions with others.Choose to address potentially ‘dramatic’ situations in an honest and constructive way in order to minimize drama in the future.
3)Shift your focus from the drama to yourself.For some people, dealing with negative drama becomes a way of life.They get stuck in a powerful cycle of focusing on what isn’t working in their lives, and transfer those feelings to their relationships. To get out of this negative pattern, start focusing on creating a life that you love.Once you begin making positive changes for yourself, you simply won’t have the patience for bad drama in your relationships – you’ll be too busy enjoying your life!
It can be hard to let go of the excitement that bad drama brings to our lives.Some people have seemingly ‘perfect’ lives, and still can’t completely eliminate drama.What you can do, however, is recognize the negative impact ‘bad drama’ has on your personal growth.Appreciate who you are as a person and resist negative situations that detract from your happiness.Create a life that is full of expansive, productive and joyous experiences.You alone have the power to use good drama to make strides in your life.So get on it!
As the winter season gets under way in Park City, I’m reminded of what it means to live (and date) in a resort town where making a love connection has a deadline.For most of you reading this right now, you’ve got T-minus four months to find a great relationship before heading back to the southern hemisphere for another round of winter in a new locale.Not an easy task.So many people to meet, so little time!So when you start dating someone new, how can you tell if it will last?How do you know whether it’s worth investing more time and energy, or if you should cut your losses and move on to the next eligible bachelor(ette)?Here are a few clues that your relationship is worth holding on to:
1)Being with your new special someone doesn’t change who you are.Every relationship is different, but most follow the same general path: attraction, familiarity, conflict, stability and finally, true commitment.In the beginning stage of any relationship, we naturally focus on what we have in common with our partner.It’s our way of building a solid bond that can survive the following stages.However, many people go overboard and start taking on their partner’s interests, opinions, friends and attitudes.So as you get to know your new flame, remember to keep in touch yourself, your needs, your hobbies, your values… celebrate the unique qualities that make you undeniably you.
2)You want to improve who you are.Okay, I’ll amend that last tip.Actually, being with the right person will change you.It’s inevitable (you knew that).BUT (and here’s the rub), it should cause you to change yourself, and in a positive way.Being with the right person will encourage you to make adjustments in your life to reflect who you ultimately want to be.When you’re in a relationship that will last, you’re motivated to stay focused on your own personal growth, and the right partner will be supportive of that.Bottom line: a relationship that lasts contributes to you becoming the best version of yourself.
3)You’re in the relationship for the right reasons.I’ve always been convinced that a relationship is a wonderful way to distract yourself from your own worries.It takes time away from having to sit still and do the hard work on your own life.And (bonus!) there’s an emotional pay-off to criticizing your partner on all of the things they do wrong – it makes you feel better about your own personal shortfalls.So many people are out looking for a relationship because they want to fill some deep, dark void in their life.However, when you’re in a relationship that will last, you actually spend more time appreciating all of the good qualities that your partner brings to your life.You laugh a lot more.You’re lighter, calmer, and more accepting of your partner.You actually have fun with your partner, because you don’t have an ulterior motive for being in the relationship to begin with.
I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t have an overwhelming number of real-life models for a supremely happy and long-lasting relationship.However, the ones I do know share this common characteristic: they view their relationship as a resource rather than a barrier to a happy life.Their partner is their best friend, their confidante, the person they want to share significant events with.If you are lucky enough to meet someone who embodies these traits, then hold on tight – you’re on the road to a lasting relationship!
I can’t get away from this topic these days.It seems everyone I talk to lately has had it with being single.They claim that all of their friends are in lovey-dovey romantic relationships and they feel left out.They want love and companionship too!As someone who’s spent most of my adult life learning how to love being single, here’s what helped me get through those days when all I wanted was to find that special someone.
1) Wallow in self-pity every once in a while.I know - you probably weren’t expecting this as tip number one.But sometimes you just need to accept how you’re feeling, however sad and depressing it seems.Being single against your will can feel unfair, and it can be exhausting trying to maintain that “everything’s just great!” attitude with your friends.So go ahead – when you’re feeling alone and sad about your single status, feel free to light some candles, blast some Dido and devote a little time to wishing you could toss all of those happy couples off the highest peak of Mt. Timpanogos.
2) Embrace your freedom.Once you’ve had the time and space to feel sorry for yourself, I promise you it’ll get old.This is when you might consider the fact that you’re actually pretty lucky - you get to live your life on your terms.Feel like hiking at the Canyons with your best friend?Go for it!Want to flirt with the hot guy at the Alpine Internet Cafe?No problem! Since being single isn’t something you have a whole lot of control over, you may as well take advantage of your situation and enjoy it as much as possible - by doing exactly what you want to do.
3) Date for fun… not for a relationship.When I was single, I spent most of my time on dates analyzing the potential for a relationship.Every question I asked was to determine whether this person was “marriage material.”Did he have a steady job with a healthy income?Did he have a history of cheating on his girlfriends?Was he respectful of his mother?But after a while I realized that dating felt like a chore.Who cares if he flossed twice a day?It finally dawned on me that I could just go out and have fun.
Park City attracts people from all over the world.When they move to our cozy little town they are usually in the midst of an adventure and probably have plenty of fun stories for you.So try approaching a night out on Main Street as an opportunity to get to know your ever-changing community, rather than as a relationship-hunting expedition.
4) Get over the fantasy.I’ve found that one of the biggest reasons why most singles hate being single is that they are relying on the Cinderella fantasy to come through for them.They get wrapped up in the daydream that a new relationship is going to rescue them from whatever they dislike about themselves or their lives.If this is you, beware!Waiting around for Prince Charming to deliver an issue-free life of happiness, stability and excitement is just adding to the pressure you feel to find the perfect relationship (which, by the way, doesn’t exist).So instead, try asking yourself “how am I expecting a relationship to improve my life?”And then start working on improving those things now, regardless of your relationship status.You need to be happy and satisfied with your life on your own before you’ll ever experience lasting love.
Being single isn’t a life sentence.At some point, you’re going to be in a relationship if you really want to.And once you are, you’re going to have a lot less time to focus on yourself.So take this opportunity to do everything you’ve always wanted to do – i.e., finish up that college degree, travel through Europe, learn transcendental meditation… do whatever appeals to you.Go create the life you’re waiting to have with a partner, and I promise finding a relationship will stop being such a huge priority.There is a whole world out there to experience, and you don’t need a significant other to enjoy it.So go for it already!
I just started teaching a new class at Everest College this month – a Strategies for Success class.This class is required for all new students (fresh meat!).As a Life Coach, one of my passions is thinking about and implementing strategies for success in life, so this class has quickly become one of my favorite ways to spend a few hours during the week (seriously, I’m being paid to do what I would do at a coffee shop with my best friend…. I love my life).Anyway, on our first day, I asked the class to name some potential obstacles to their success as they transition into this new phase of their lives (starting a college program).Here were a few of their responses:
·Being surrounded by unsupportive people.This is a difficult obstacle, because most people in our lives have an incentive to maintain the status quo.They don’t want things to change (even if it’s a positive change).Your success will most likely create a lot of change in your life, and by extension, theirs.Our family or friends may want us to become our best self in theory, but the reality of that success may threaten the stability they enjoy in their lives.
·Negative thinking.Many of us are good at being positive when things are going well in our lives.But what happens when your life get difficult?Does your inner-monologue immediately become, “I can’t do this.I don’t know why I ever thought I could.” Or some other equally negative thought?I know personally, I’m my own worst critic.It’s hard to stay positive when things aren’t going the way I expected them to or would like them to.But this is one of the quickest ways to sabotage our success.
·Losing motivation.I always get really excited when I decide to make a big change in my life.I start planning on how I’m going to execute my new plan.I think about how wonderful life will be when I accomplish whatever goal I’ve just committed to.But inevitably at some point reality sets in and the details of my plan become more than I bargained for.At some point before completing whatever I’ve set out to do, things get difficult, and I think of all of the reasons why quitting sounds like a wonderful new plan.Clearly, a huge barrier to success.
·Getting bored.Another obstacle my students mentioned was boredom.I can relate to that.Sometimes life gets dull.Every once in a while, things just don’t seem as rosy as they once did.And trying to stay on track when you want to beat your head against a wall is not easy.
·Falling behind (not understanding or distraction).And the other big obstacle to success we discussed was falling behind, either because the work gets too difficult or because other priorities take precedence.This obstacle can arise whether you’re in a college classroom, at a new job, or have just taken on a new commitment.
Most of us are constantly working toward personal growth and creating a life that is meaningful to us.And as we continue on this journey, there are plenty of opportunities to get pulled off track for one reason or another.But hopefully by pinpointing the potential barriers to ending up where we want to be (wherever that may be), we can be more prepared if and when these obstacles arise.Next month we’ll talk about different ways to overcome these obstacles to success.In the meantime, consider your own obstacles to success.What is currently holding you back from creating the life you were meant to live?
Another awesome article from www.msn.com. As a Personal Development Coach, I tend to help people focus on creating happiness in their lives. However, for many years I've understood the value, even the necessity, of going through tough times in order to truly appreciate the precious moments. It's not something I write or talk about much, but it's a very real part of the work I do. My good friend, Meaghan, and I have spent years supporting each other through these "growthful" (yes, I say that with a touch of disdain) times in our lives, knowing that embracing and breathing through them will help us experience and appreciate the rest of what life has to offer. I hope this article is helpful for those of you out there who feels the need to always be "happy". Is happiness nice? Sure. Is happiness something worth striving for? Absolutely (in my opinion). But what happens when happiness comes and goes, as it inevitably will? How do you deal with those low moments? This article serves to begin answering that question.... I hope you enjoy it and find as much comfort in it as I did!
Sarah
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Happiness: Enough Already
The push for ever-greater well-being is facing a backlash, fueled by research on the value of sadness.
The plural of anecdote is not data, as scientists will tell you, but consider these snapshots of the emerging happiness debate anyway: Lately, Jerome Wakefield's students have been coming up to him after they break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, and not because they want him to recommend a therapist. Wakefield, a professor at New York University, coauthored the 2007 book "The Loss of Sadness: How Psychiatry Transformed Normal Sorrow Into Depressive Disorder," which argues that feeling down after your heart is broken—even so down that you meet the criteria for clinical depression— is normal and even salutary. But students tell him that their parents are pressuring them to seek counseling and other medical intervention—"some Zoloft, dear?"—for their sadness, and the kids want no part of it. "Can you talk to them for me?" they ask
Wakefield
. Rather than "listening to Prozac," they want to listen to their hearts, not have them chemically silenced.
University
of
Illinois
psychologist Ed Diener, who has studied happiness for a quarter century, was in
Scotland
recently, explaining to members of Parliament and business leaders the value of augmenting traditional measures of a country's wealth with a national index of happiness. Such an index would measure policies known to increase people's sense of well-being, such as democratic freedoms, access to health care and the rule of law. The Scots were all in favor of such things, but not because they make people happier. "They said too much happiness might not be such a good thing," says Diener. "They like being dour, and didn't appreciate being told they should be happier." (For one man's struggle with the pressure to pursue happiness, click here.)
Eric Wilson tried to get with the program. Urged on by friends, he bought books on how to become happier. He made every effort to smooth out his habitual scowl and wear a sunny smile, since a happy expression can lead to genuinely happy feelings. Wilson, a professor of English at Wake Forest University, took up jogging, reputed to boost the brain's supply of joyful neurochemicals, watched uplifting Frank Capra and Doris Day flicks and began sprinkling his conversations with "great!" and "wonderful!", the better to exercise his capacity for enthusiasm. When none of these made him happy, Wilson not only jumped off the happiness bandwagon—he also embraced his melancholy side and decided to blast a happiness movement that "leads to half-lives, to bland existences," as he argues in "Against Happiness," a book now reaching stores. Americans' fixation on happiness, he writes, fosters "a craven disregard for the value of sadness" and "its integral place in the great rhythm of the cosmos.It's always tricky to identify a turning point, at least in real time. Only in retrospect can you accurately pinpoint when a financial market peaked or hit bottom, for instance, or the moment when the craze for pricey coffee drinks crested. But look carefully, and what you are seeing now may be the end of the drive for ever-greater heights of happiness. Fed by hundreds of self-help books, including the current "The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want," magazine articles and an industry of life coaches and motivational speakers, the happiness movement took off in the 1990s with two legitimate developments: discoveries about the brain activity underlying well-being, and the emergence of "positive psychology," whose proponents urged fellow researchers to study happiness as seriously as they did pathological states such as depression. But when the science of happiness collided with pop culture and the marketplace, it morphed into something even its creators hardly recognized. There emerged "a crowd of people out there who want you to be happier," write Ed Diener and his son, Robert Biswas-Diener, in their book, "Rethinking Happiness," due for publication later this year. Somewhere out there a pharmaceutical company "is working on a new drug to make you happier," they warn. "There are even people who would like to give you special ozone enemas to make you happier." Although some 85 percent of Americans say they're pretty happy, the happiness industry sends the insistent message that moderate levels of well-being aren't enough: not only can we all be happier, but we practically have a duty to be so. What was once considered normal sadness is something to be smothered, even shunned.
The backlash against the happiness rat race comes just when scientists are releasing the most-extensive-ever study comparing moderate and extreme levels of happiness, and finding that being happier is not always better. In surveys of 118,519 people from 96 countries, scientists examined how various levels of subjective well-being matched up with income, education, political participation, volunteer activities and close relationships. They also analyzed how different levels of happiness, as reported by college students, correlated with various outcomes. Even allowing for imprecision in people's self-reported sense of well-being, the results were unambiguous. The highest levels of happiness go along with the most stable, longest and most contented relationships. That is, even a little discontent with your partner can nudge you to look around for someone better, until you are at best a serial monogamist and at worst never in a loving, stable relationship. "But if you have positive illusions about your partner, which goes along with the highest levels of happiness, you're more likely to commit to an intimate relationship," says Diener.
In contrast, "once a moderate level of happiness is achieved, further increases can sometimes be detrimental" to income, career success, education and political participation, Diener and colleagues write in the journal Perspectives on Psychological Science. On a scale from 1 to 10, where 10 is extremely happy, 8s were more successful than 9s and 10s, getting more education and earning more. That probably reflects the fact that people who are somewhat discontent, but not so depressed as to be paralyzed, are more motivated to improve both their own lot (thus driving themselves to acquire more education and seek ever-more-challenging jobs) and the lot of their community (causing them to participate more in civic and political life). In contrast, people at the top of the jolliness charts feel no such urgency. "If you're totally satisfied with your life and with how things are going in the world," says Diener, "you don't feel very motivated to work for change. Be wary when people tell you you should be happier."
The drawbacks of constant, extreme happiness should not be surprising, since negative emotions evolved for a reason. Fear tips us off to the presence of danger, for instance. Sadness, too, seems to be part of our biological inheritance: apes, dogs and elephants all display something that looks like sadness, perhaps because it signals to others a need for help. One hint that too much euphoria can be detrimental comes from studies finding that among people with late-stage illnesses, those with the greatest sense of well-being were more likely to die in any given period of time than the mildly content were. Being "up" all the time can cause you to play down very real threats.
Eric Wilson needs no convincing that sadness has a purpose. In his "Against Happiness," he trots out criticisms of the mindless pursuit of contentment that philosophers and artists have raised throughout history—including that, as Flaubert said, to be chronically happy one must also be stupid. Less snarkily,
Wilson
argues that only by experiencing sadness can we experience the fullness of the human condition. While careful not to extol depression—which is marked not only by chronic sadness but also by apathy, lethargy and an increased risk of suicide—he praises melancholia for generating "a turbulence of heart that results in an active questioning of the status quo, a perpetual longing to create new ways of being and seeing." This is not romantic claptrap. Studies show that when you are in a negative mood, says Diener, "you become more analytical, more critical and more innovative. You need negative emotions, including sadness, to direct your thinking." Abraham Lincoln was not hobbled by his dark moods bordering on depression, and Beethoven composed his later works in a melancholic funk. Vincent van Gogh, Emily Dickinson and other artistic geniuses saw the world through a glass darkly. The creator of "Peanuts," Charles M. Schulz, was known for his gloom, while Woody Allen plumbs existential melancholia for his films, and Patti Smith and Fiona Apple do so for their music.
Wilson, who asserts that "the happy man is a hollow man," is hardly the first scholar to see melancholia as muse. A classical Greek text, possibly written by Aristotle, asks, "Why is it that all those who have become eminent in philosophy or politics or poetry or the arts are clearly melancholic?"
Wilson
's answer is that "the blues can be a catalyst for a special kind of genius, a genius for exploring dark boundaries between opposites." The ever-restless, the chronically discontent, are dissatisfied with the status quo, be it in art or literature or politics.
For all their familiarity, these arguments are nevertheless being crushed by the happiness movement. Last August, the novelist Mary Gordon lamented to The New York Times that "among writers … what is absolutely not allowable is sadness. People will do anything rather than to acknowledge that they are sad." And in a MY TURN column in NEWSWEEK last May, Jess Decourcy Hinds, an English teacher, recounted how, after her father died, friends pressed her to distract herself from her profound sadness and sense of loss. "Why don't people accept that after a parent's death, there will be years of grief?" she wrote. "Everyone wants mourners to 'snap out of it' because observing another's anguish isn't easy."
It's hard to say exactly when ordinary Americans, no less than psychiatrists, began insisting that sadness is pathological. But by the end of the millennium that attitude was well entrenched. In 1999, Arthur Miller's "Death of a Salesman" was revived on Broadway 50 years after its premiere. A reporter asked two psychiatrists to read the script. Their diagnosis: Willy Loman was suffering from clinical depression, a pathological condition that could and should be treated with drugs. Miller was appalled. "Loman is not a depressive," he told The New York Times. "He is weighed down by life. There are social reasons for why he is where he is." What society once viewed as an appropriate reaction to failed hopes and dashed dreams, it now regards as a psychiatric illness.
That may be the most damaging legacy of the happiness industry: the message that all sadness is a disease. As NYU's
Wakefield
and Allan Horwitz of
Rutgers
University
point out in "The Loss of Sadness," this message has its roots in the bible of mental illness, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Its definition of a "major depressive episode" is remarkably broad. You must experience five not-uncommon symptoms, such as insomnia, difficulty concentrating and feeling sad or empty, for two weeks; the symptoms must cause distress or impairment, and they cannot be due to the death of a loved one. Anyone meeting these criteria is supposed to be treated.
Yet by these criteria, any number of reactions to devastating events qualify as pathological. Such as? For three weeks a woman feels sad and empty, unable to generate any interest in her job or usual activities, after her lover of five years breaks off their relationship; she has little appetite, lies awake at night and cannot concentrate during the day. Or a man's only daughter is suffering from a potentially fatal blood disorder; for weeks he is consumed by despair, cannot sleep or concentrate, feels tired and uninterested in his usual activities.
Horwitz and
Wakefield
do not contend that the spurned lover or the tormented father should be left to suffer. Both deserve, and would likely benefit from, empathic counseling. But their symptoms "are neither abnormal nor inappropriate in light of their" situations, the authors write. The DSM definition of depression "mistakenly encompasses some normal emotional reactions," due to its failure to take into account the context or trigger for sadness.
That has consequences. When someone is appropriately sad, friends and colleagues offer support and sympathy. But by labeling appropriate sadness pathological, "we have attached a stigma to being sad," says Wakefield, "with the result that depression tends to elicit hostility and rejection" with an undercurrent of " 'Get over it; take a pill.' The normal range of human emotion is not being tolerated." And insisting that sadness requires treatment may interfere with the natural healing process. "We don't know how drugs react with normal sadness and its functions, such as reconstituting your life out of the pain," says
Wakefield
.
Even the psychiatrist who oversaw the current DSM expresses doubts about the medicalizing of sadness. "To be human means to naturally react with feelings of sadness to negative events in one's life," writes Robert Spitzer of the New York State Psychiatric Institute in a foreword to "The Loss of Sadness." That would be unremarkable if it didn't run completely counter to the message of the happiness brigades. It would be foolish to underestimate the power and tenacity of the happiness cheerleaders. But maybe, just maybe, the single-minded pursuit of happiness as an end in itself, rather than as a consequence of a meaningful life, has finally run its course.
Okay, I know, I know.... I have been a very, VERY BAD Blogger lately. I'm SORRY! I started teaching college classes, and life as I knew it (temporarily) flew out the window. But I'm getting a routine down, figuring out the schedule, and learning how to balance all of the little pieces of my life (see, I'm always learning too). Anyway, I came across this article on www.msn.com today, and absolutely had to share it. I promise - I'll be contributing my own, personal extra-witty and helpful content very, very soon.... But for now I hope this holds ya'll off. :)
Happy Living,
Sarah
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WHY DO I WANT EVERY ONE TO BE 'THE ONE'?
By Lynn Harris
Dear Lynn, I want every girl I date to be The One. This causes a great deal of anxiety, controlling behavior and other things that make me totally unlike how I really am. I just put too much pressure on these girls—girls who, up until the time we start the relationship, adore me because I am fun, witty, and good-looking. But all that is thrown out the door as soon as the relationship starts. I become this brooding, angst-ridden child who wants all the attention from this person. I don’t like being that way! How do I go about shedding this image in my mind of this girl being The One, no matter who the girl is? -Kevin
Dear Kevin, You’re already ahead of the game in several ways. First, you’re not saying, “I want to make every girl think I think she’s The One, so she’ll have sex with me,” or something else dishonest. Second, and just as important, you’re aware of this pattern that you describe, you see the damage it may be doing, and you want it to change. Third, you seem to understand that you’re fundamentally likeable (“fun, witty,” etc.). That means that your behavior is not solely a matter of insecurity, and, more to the point, that we don’t have to start trying to build your self-esteem from square one.
Let’s take a look at the concept of The One. It’s natural and positive — even lovely — to want to think of people you date as potential real-deals, not just placeholders. So I don’t think you need to wean yourself of that notion entirely. I do believe, however, that there’s no one The One for every person. In my opinion, The One is the person who comes along when you and she are ready, for a whole constellation of reasons, to recognize each other as such. When we get into trouble is when we decide someone’s The One — mainly because we want so badly for someone, anyone, to be — before we’ve actually had a chance to get to know them at all.
So for you, once you’ve made that decision, the relationship becomes about your decision, not about having a relationship. You think, “She’s The One, so I cannot let her go!” And then you set about not letting her go—which, as you’ve discovered the hard way, is the opposite of letting a relationship blossom.
A solution? I’d say you need some practice exploring a dating middle ground. You need to give yourself the time and opportunity to discover that a relationship — a good relationship — will grow out of your natural desire to be together, not out of your willing it to be so. And you need to give yourself a chance to prove to yourself that she will not leave you just because you didn’t call her 1,000 times in 10 minutes. (In fact, as you may have learned, that is why she will leave.)
How to do that? Date—the slower, old-fashioned way. Go out once, then go out again several nights later. Then maybe again. This does not make you boyfriend and girlfriend; this does not make her The One. If you want to see her again, then by all means, do so. But take it slow. Get used to the idea that your liking her means… that you like her, not that you should be calling the caterers. Get used to the idea that if she likes you, she will say yes and show up for your date. And that if (God forbid) she doesn’t, hey, that’s fine, ’cause who said she was The One anyway? After all, you’d only spent six hours together, more than two of which were spent watching a movie. It’ll take practice — and real willpower — to act and think this way, but you can do it.
Over time, you’ll become the kind of boyfriend you want to be. Which is what will really prepare you to recognize The One when you meet her.
Lynn Harris is co-creator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website,BreakupGirl.netand author of the comic novelDeath By Chick Lit. A journalist and essayist, Lynn also writes about gender, dating, and culture high and low for Salon, Glamour, The New York Times, and others. In her spare time, she enjoys being married. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn atBreakupGirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
I love this article! I came across it today on www.msn.com.
Enjoy!
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HOW TO GET THE LIFE YOU WANT
You've been putting it off forever — that secret dream to start a business, write a book, run a marathon.... Whatever your desire, ignoring it means denying who you really are. And don't you deserve better? Here, your no-excuses, no-regrets guide to answering the voice in your head that says, "I want more."
By Kristyn Kusek Lewis
Wherever you are on the dream spectrum, your aspiration may be slipping away. "We let our dreams lag because our overcommitted lives make them seem impractical," says life coach Laura Berman Fortgang, author of Now What? 90 Days to a New Life Direction. "We're spread so thin that it's hard to be 'selfish' and put your efforts toward something just for you." Plus, going after a goal may be scary: The fear of failure - or of how your life will change if you succeed - can be paralyzing.
Well, it's time to get moving! Here's why: When your day-to-day existence gets packed with too many "have-to's" and not enough "want-to's," you can end up with a constant, low-grade "Is this all there is?" kind of fever. And that's no way to live.
So use this workbook to help you achieve your wildest fantasies in whatever way they might fit into your life today. Over the past year, three women have been featured in REDBOOK magazine's Live Your Dream series. These women, Denise Mabilog, Cate Colburn-Smith, and Deb Busser, have accomplished amazing things - from publishing a book to singing in a rock band! Now, we're bringing their success secrets to you, with the help of Fortgang, who coached them. Ask yourself the following questions, and then read on to pinpoint your dream - and what it says about you. Then learn how to make it happen.
Ask yourself: Is there a passion you've abandoned because there's no room for it in your "real life"?
Photography or tennis or painting or sewing or...?
The mountain of responsibilities we take on as adults often leads us to abandon activities that once brought us joy. Maybe as a child you lived for tennis camp, but haven't picked up a racket since you had your own kids. For 42-year-old Denise Mabilog of
Swedesboro
,
NJ
, the fantasy of becoming a photographer - a dream she clung to through the time she graduated college - gave way to a challenging law career.
Why do we let go of pastimes we love? According to Fortgang, adulthood - and all that comes with it - makes us feel like we're not allowed to pursue activities just for sheer pleasure. Hobbies become indulgences that we get to enjoy after all the "important stuff" is done (and what a joke that is - how often does your to-do list get shorter?!).
Fortunately, passions are persistent - as much as you try to push 'em away, they're always there, itching to be let back into your life. As Mabilog can attest, reigniting a dream is well worth it: "I used to tell myself that photography would be a waste of time," she says. "Now I take pictures every day. I even set up a portrait studio in my basement! My life is busier than ever, but it's richer than ever, too!" Here's how to rekindle your passion.
Step 1: Give yourself permission.
When you think, I should use my time for more productive things, tell yourself that your dream activity does have a purpose - namely, to give you happiness, which will buoy you as you tackle everyday tasks, from preparing dinner to leading a meeting at work.
To make your commitment stick, get "permission" from your family, too, by explaining why you want the time. Mabilog's husband and son worried that her photography hobby would steal her away from them, but once she emphasized how passionate she was about her dream and that they wouldn't be neglected, their anxieties vanished. "When I told my 8-year-old how much my hobby meant to me, he really got it," she says. "Now, when new equipment for my studio comes in the mail, he's the first to say, 'Mom! Let's go set this stuff up!'"
Step 2: Make room for your dream - literally.
The writer Virginia Woolf famously said that one of the keys to a woman's freedom is having a room of one's own. Claiming a space where you can indulge in your passion is like saying, "X marks the spot." It's an expression of your decision to take your dream seriously.
So designate a writing area in your living room. Place an easel in a corner of the bedroom. Don't need a specific spot to practice your passion? Make an altar to your effort: Display items that move you (photographs, a row of vintage fountain pens) or create an "inspiration board" by pinning motivating clippings to a bulletin board (a poem you love, an ad for an exhibit you want to attend). When Mabilog set up her basement studio and hung her photographs around her home, she started to feel like the real deal.
Step 3: Set a date.
Every type of goal needs structure, says Fortgang. Otherwise, real life just washes over it like a tidal wave and sweeps it away. To build a solid foundation for this or any dream, construct a schedule: Decide how much time you'll devote to your hobby, whether it's an hour each night or twice a week for two hours, and block it off on a calendar - this "makes a promise" to that time and, by extension, to yourself.
Then, commit to that schedule for 90 days - that's just long enough to create a habit; face the challenges of making room for your dream in your busy life; and decide if you're going to keep at your goal for good, says Fortgang. "As you move along, don't judge the time you're using or try to measure whether it's productive," she adds. "Just get absorbed in the activity, and follow the joy as it develops."
Ask yourself: Are you ready to finally tackle the burden or bad habit that's been dragging you down?
Quit smoking or lose weight or stop biting your nails or be on time or...?
To truly commit to these more "ordinary" yearnings, you need to give them the same emotional investment and time as "bigger" dreams. Know, too, that tackling this type of goal may be especially difficult for you if you've tried - and failed - to achieve it in the past. Or perhaps it's daunting because you're not sure you're ready to do the hard work it requires. Either way, the longer you let yourself live with this albatross, the more your self-esteem suffers. To change all that:
Step 1: Make a vow.
Quit procrastinating on this dream by being honest with yourself: Draw a line down the center of a piece of paper to create two columns; label one side "Why Now" and one "Why Not." In the "Why Now" column, list the reasons why it's the right time to meet the challenge (for instance, if you want to lose weight, one reason to go for it might be that you found out a friend has prediabetes, which was a wake-up call for you). On the "Why Not" side, note why it's not a good time (it might be unrealistic to commit to daily workouts right before two busy weeks of business travel).
Now, weigh the two sides: If you're ready to commit to your goal, write a promise to yourself at the bottom of the page, and put it in a place where you'll see it often, like on your bathroom mirror. If you decide that now isn't the time for this goal, decide when to revisit it. Write that aspiration in big red letters on your calendar.
Step 2: Find your cheerleaders.
"Accountability is the key to success," explains Fortgang. "You don't want to be left to your own devices when the going gets tough." Your support system can include family, friends, even someone you hire (such as a personal trainer). You might also want to try an online chat group like the stop-smoking site Quitnet.com, or check out "Drop the Weight for Good," to meet the women in REDBOOK's Real-Life Healthy Life program, and then form your own weight-loss support group (go to meetup.com/redbook for details).
Tell your pep squad that you'll check in with them at a specific, regular time with a status report (as in, "I'll email you after my weekly weigh-in every Friday morning") and when you need extra reinforcement ("The ice cream in the fridge is screaming to me - talk me out of it").
Step 3: Pat yourself on the back - regularly.
"Working toward your goal is an accomplishment in and of itself," says Fortgang. So reward yourself weekly: Put $5 toward a "new outfit fund," or give yourself a bouquet of flowers for staying smoke-free.
Be especially kind to yourself when you have setbacks. Instead of beating yourself up or quitting altogether, examine why you veered off course, figure out what you need to do to stay on track, and remind yourself that you're the smart, capable CEO of your busy life - and you have all the tools you need to keep moving forward! "Remember: You get to start over every day, every hour, every minute!" says Fortgang.
Ask yourself: Are you ready to reach for something really huge that you never thought you could accomplish?
Write a book or go back to school or renovate your home or start a volunteer group or...?
Your dream is a capital-B big one - and it feels like a mountain you're not sure you can climb. "These are 'wouldn't it be great if...' dreams," says Fortgang. "What's difficult about them is that people get tripped up by the 'how.' It's such a huge undertaking that you feel like you need to know how to do the whole thing from the get-go - and because you can't see the end, you think you don't know how to start."
That's what happened to 40-year-old Cate Colburn-Smith of
Boulder
,
CO
, who sat on the idea for her book, The Milk Memos, for two years before she finally went ahead and decided to do something about it. "I thought it would be impossible because I didn't know anything about publishing," she says. "But the experience taught me that it's okay to just start doing the work before you really know what you're doing." To jump right in:
Step 1: Hunt and gather.
Get your hands on any info you can find about what it'll take to attain your goal. Read online, check out books and magazines, investigate courses and local adult-education centers and colleges, and talk to people who've done what you want to do. Don't know anyone with "connections"? Call associations that represent the subject area that interests you (if you want to become a massage therapist, call the American Massage Therapy Association) or visit businesses related to your dream (Want a horticulture degree? Chat up the salesperson at your local garden center). "This is a confidence-builder because it helps squash the feeling that you need to know it all from the outset," says Fortgang.
Step 2: Tackle your fear.
When you're embarking on something huge that you've never done before, it's completely natural to be scared. "You're out on a limb without a net and you don't know what the outcome will be," says Fortgang. Keep your nerves under control by having an "anchor" - a tangible reminder of your goal that you can refer to when you start to wonder why the heck you're putting yourself through all this. That anchor might be anything from a mission statement that you write in your journal, to an object you keep on your desk, to a person (your husband, your sister, a close friend) you can turn to for encouragement whenever you need it.
Step 3: Take baby steps.
You don't need to know how to get from point A to point Z when you start. Write up a plan of small to-do's that will take you to one milestone, and then keep repeating the process until you've reached your goal. "The enormity of the task of writing a book proposal really worried me and my coauthor since we both have kids and full-time jobs," recalls Colburn-Smith. "Breaking the project down into bite-size chunks made it feel manageable and kept us moving from one step to the next." Multiple mini-goals also give you plenty of opportunities to celebrate your many accomplishments, which will keep you motivated all along the way to the finish line!
Step 4: Walk your walk.
When your hard work starts paying off - say, you've been accepted to a graduate school program or you've written half the recipes for your cookbook - act like the expert you are by identifying yourself that way, which will help you take yourself seriously. When introducing yourself, get in the habit of saying, "I'm a writer" or "I'm a chef." Or get business cards printed up with your new info, as Colburn-Smith did. Don't be wishy-washy about it: Statements like "I'm trying to be an author" or "I'm sort of working on becoming a therapist" can mentally sabotage you, while treating yourself like a complete success reminds you that you will be one!
Ask yourself: Is it time to cash in on a moneymaking idea that will make you feel more self-sufficient?
Go back to work or open a bakery or switch careers or launch a Web-based business or...?
On the surface this dream has a lot to do with financial gain and security, but it really arises from a need to find a vocation that has meaning for you - one where your "work self" and your "true self" can meet. As Fortgang puts it, "It's not just what you do, but who you get to be when you're doing it." The hardest part about this kind of goal is convincing yourself that you're qualified to take it on, says Fortgang. Here's how to muster your courage.
Step 1: Redefine "expert."
You might think that people who succeed in their field spend years learning about their craft before they take a single step forward. Not so! "I tell clients to start thinking of an 'expert' as someone who knows how to get the answers, not someone who knows all the answers," says Fortgang. So do some investigating to find out the first step you need to take to make your dream a reality - which will instantly empower you. Should you get a degree or advanced training? Does anyone else have a patent for your product idea? Even the tiniest bit of information will help propel you forward.
Step 2: Road-test your dream.
Small forays are fine. Substitute or volunteer at a school before you commit to a full-time teaching career. Gauge reactions to your dream of opening a bakery by offering to sell sweets at your kid's next school function. A little experience will help you fine-tune your plan and determine your potential for success before you take big risks with your time or money.
Step 3: Establish a time frame.
"When I started my life-coaching business 15 years ago, my husband and I decided I'd try it for one year, and then I'd evaluate my progress and decide whether to move forward," says Fortgang. By having a specific "just try it out" period, you stay focused on your goal without any do-or-die pressure.
Ask yourself: Do you have the guts to go after the "just once" dream you've never dared to try?
Run a marathon or go on an African safari or sing in a rock band or try skydiving or...?
These "one-hit wonder" dreams often represent deeper longings, says Fortgang, that might not even be on your radar. Take, for instance, 40-year-old Deb Busser of
Dunstable
,
MA
, who dreamed of singing with a rock band. Busser discovered that achieving this goal was really a way to prove that she could fearlessly just be herself in front of a group and become a motivational speaker. Here's how to accomplish your fantasy and reveal the hidden desire it can represent.
Step 1: Build in a "can't flake out" clause.
Onetime, daring dreams take guts, so find a way to avoid chickening out. Enlist a friend to join you in your skydiving adventure, and put down a nonrefundable deposit. Invite everyone you know to come to the poetry slam where you'll read your work. Busser turned her rock-star fantasy into a "
Battle
of the Bands" charity event, which meant she had to get on stage no matter what. "The experience taught me that I could be okay with being nervous and just relinquish control and go for it," she says. "It was one of the most amazing - and liberating - feelings I've ever experienced!"
Step 2: Use your skills.
So what if you've never run more than three miles? Use the talents you already have as a tool kit for training for that marathon: Think of times when you used the mind-over-matter discipline your goal requires (Hel-lo! Childbirth?). Busser, a human resources consultant, used her business skills when she pitched her fund-raiser concept to a community group, who loved her idea and put the plan in motion.
Step 3: Uncover your deeper dream.
Ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?" If it's just to have fun, great! But under-the-surface reasons are worth exploring: Your mountain-climbing dream might actually symbolize a desire to prove to yourself that you're brave enough to tackle another difficult obstacle in your life. Your wish to see the European city that your grandparents emigrated from may represent a yearning to strengthen your family ties at home. Once you've figured out what's really behind your "just once" fantasy, you'll be that much more motivated to give both pursuits your all!
Whatever your goal, you've already got the tools to stop dreaming and start doing.
"Once you've cut through all the baloney and the beliefs that have held you back," says Fortgang, "there's no limit to what you can achieve." And here's a bonus: Being true to yourself by following your heart's desire benefits not only you, but also the people you love. That's because giving to yourself recharges your spirit - which enables you to give more of yourself as a wife, a mom, a friend. The bottom line: Being 100 percent who you are - not 75 percent, and not 86.7 percent - is the not-so-hidden key to a happier life. And what could be more important than that?
When I was a kid, I loved the holiday season. Singing Christmas carols, decorating trees, making cookies, and of course, exchanging gifts! But as I get older, I enjoy the hoopla that surrounds the holidays less and less. Maybe it comes from being a part of a huge family (8 siblings, a dozen cousins, parents, step- parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews - and it's growing bigger every year!). Anyway, instead of good cheer and happiness, the holidays have started to involve stress, obligations, chaos, and an overall disruption in my normally (somewhat) peaceful life. I know, I know, I sound like Scrooge's second cousin, Bad Attitude. But there is one part of the holidays that I still look forward to - the start of the New Year.
For some reason, I feel like I've just finished a marathon by the time the New Year rolls around. Like I've accomplished an impossible feat by surviving the holidays, and now it's time to get back to ME. The New Year has become a wonderful time for me to take stock of what I enjoy about my life, and what I want to change about my life in the upcoming year. As I say hello to 2008, I've decided that this is what I'm going to work on (my "New Year's Resolutions," if you will):
1) Focus on personal growth. This is a huge one for me this year, and I am so excited! For the last 5 years, I've been in and out of serious relationships, so I haven't taken the time to connect with who I really am, deep down. But this year I'm committing to my personal growth. The plan: enjoy my solitude, indulge my desires and pursue my life goals for myself and no one else.
2) Apply new skills. As I look back on the last year, I realize that most of what I did throughout 2007 was to learn how to live life differently. I moved to a different city. I started exploring different career opportunities. I experimented. I got out of my comfort zone. I learned to solve problems in new ways. And I began to trust that life would unfold in unpredictable (but ultimately perfect) ways. This year, I'll continue to let my life evolve by following my passion and being open to new paths. The only rules - follow my instincts, keep an open mind, and trust that it will all work out.
3) Nurture friendships. I've always been an outgoing person. I love meeting new people, hearing their stories, and trading life lessons. But I haven't always appreciated or valued the important people in my life to the extent that I should. Looking back, I've definitely been guilty of taking really good friendships for granted. But this year, staying connected to the people who light up my life is something I want to become better at.
I could probably come up with a list of at least 10 other things I want to improve this year, and maybe as I feel more comfortable with these, I'll start on those. But for now, I think this is a good start.
One of my favorite books is The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.It starts out with the following poem:
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
I love many parts of this poem, but I think my favorite passage is the part I bolded above: “I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow; if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!”Why is this my favorite?Because experiencing the deepest part of our sorrow, and then growing through it to become more compassionate and loving is one of the hardest challenges we face as humans... but it's also the most effective way to grow as individuals.
When I was training to become a therapist, my primary goal was to help recovering addicts identify and then work through some pretty significant issues from their past.My clients did everything they could to avoid experiencing the deepest part of their sorrow for most of their lives; they abused drugs, they stole from their families, many of them sold their bodies and even committed murder in order to avoid dealing with some pretty intense feelings.But the ones who were finally able to accept the intensity of their sorrow were the ones who were able to turn their lives around.By “touching the center of their sorrow, and becoming open by life’s betrayals”, they accomplished the following:
1)They found peace within themselves.
2)They were able to offer empathy and understanding to others who were on a journey of self discovery.
3)They learned the value of forgiveness (of others and of themselves).
4)They measured their success by their inner strength, rather than by outwardly possessions or opinions of others.
5)They became clear on their true life values, and learned how to apply those values to their daily lives.
6)They accepted their imperfections, then embraced them.
7)They learned that solitude was a key factor in their personal growth.
8)They left their past in the past, and began creating a life that reflected who they wanted to become in the future.
9)They learned to appreciate every obstacle in life as a wonderful opportunity for deeper personal growth.
10)They actually began to enjoy this journey called life.
I’ve gotten pretty good at embracing all of my feelings – negative or positive.I’ve learned that life is a series of peaks and valleys, and trying to climb out of a valley before I’ve fully experienced it doesn’t do much good…. I generally just slip right back down.But as I get older, it does get harder and harder to remain open after having been “betrayed” - by an employer, an ex-boyfriend, a friend, or even by life itself.It’s so easy to build a shield against the world to avoid getting hurt again.You have to be discerning – you can’t trust just anyone with your heart.But I have decided that I’d rather be open and go through a little pain once in a while than be closed off to the world.Where’s the fun in that?
As a child of divorce, I can never tell whether I’m in a relationship that will last.As hard as that is to admit, it’s true.It’s probably one of the main reasons why I became a relationship coach to begin with – you teach what you most need to learn, right?But at this point, I’m tired of being ambivalent about my relationships.My close friends tell me that my ambivalence is a sure sign that I just haven’t met the right guy yet.My boyfriend tells me I’m just afraid of commitment and that I need to stick it out.Who’s right?Either way, I HATE giving up on a relationship that appears to have so much potential.But the question that continues to haunt me is: am I being honest with myself (that this isn’t the guy for me), or am I simply afraid of getting hurt again?It’s tough to tell.
As I ponder this question more and more though, I’ve decided I can’t live with the ambivalence.So this week I decided to retreat into my soul to consider the following questions:
1)Who am I when I am NOT in a relationship?When you’re single, all you want to do is find that special someone.But after having been in a couple of serious, long-term relationships now for most of my twenties, I’ve started wondering: who am I when I’m just on my own, without any outside influences?Am I being true to my values and my ideals for my life?Am I confident and clear about who I am today, whether I’m in a relationship or not?I’ve taken the last few days “off” from being a girlfriend to consider these questions.Over the last week, I’ve had time to sit and reflect not only on who I am right now, but who I want to be in the future… and whether being in my current relationship fits into that ideal.
2)Am I settling for a so-so relationship that seems like it’ll be great in the future?I’m REALLY bad about choosing relationships that have a lot of “potential”.Apparently, I like a project.Over the last few years I’ve noticed this about myself, so I’ve stopped trying to actually change my boyfriends.But what I’m learning is that I still get caught up in imagining the possibilities for the relationship, rather than evaluating how well the relationship fits now.We can never tell what’s going to happen in the future, but we should at least be satisfied with the relationship we’re in right now, rather than hoping for the best someday.
3)Am I idealizing NOT being in a relationship?What would it actually be like to be single again?This question serves as my ultimate litmus test for whether I’m in the wrong relationship, or whether I’m just afraid of commitment.I spent a lot of years being single.One of the things I appreciate most about being single for a period of time is that I was forced to learn how to be completely self-sufficient.I learned to depend on myself.I learned that I didn’t NEED a boyfriend to survive.As a result, my standards for a companion automatically increased.On the other hand, I’ve also noticed that I tend to idealize being single when things are challenging or difficult in my relationship.When I get into a fight with my boyfriend, it’s very easy to say, “Why am I dealing with this?I was perfectly happy on my own.”But is being single actually as wonderful as I remember?And will it offer more personal growth and authenticity than my current relationship?Who knows?But it’s something to consider.
These are all tough questions to answer.But when I get really bogged down in the mental analysis of a relationship (it happens a lot, clearly), I’m learning to step back and ask myself – what does my heart say?What is my intuition guiding me to do?Then I just listen.
