The Modern Life Survival Guide

Changing Careers: 10 Tips for Making a Smooth Career Transition

When I was 10 years old, I decided being a lawyer was my destiny.  How did I know at such a young age that being a lawyer was what I was truly meant to do with my life (when really, my main influences were my parents and the Mickey Mouse Club)?  Here’s how it happened:

[Mom and me in the kitchen]

Me:  Mom, what should I be when I grow up?

Mom:  What do you like to do?

Me:  I like fighting with my sister.

Mom:  Well, lawyers like to fight.  You could be a lawyer.

Me:  Okay!

All right, that might not be verbatim, but it’s pretty close, and pretty much reflects the amount of thought I put into my career.  Yet for the next 10 years, I worked tirelessly to achieve my goal.  Then, when I was about 21, I realized that a career in the law just wasn’t going to make me happy for the rest of my life.  So I went back to school and got my masters degree in counseling psychology.  A couple of years after that, I got certified as a Professional Coach and prepared for yet another career change.  Looking back, I feel like my life has been one big career transition after another.  Yet somehow I’ve managed to maintain my sanity (and at times have even been invigorated!) throughout all of these career changes.  How did I do it?  Here are a few tips:

1)       Do some soul searching.  It took me a while to find the right blend of ingredients for my ideal career: a teaspoon of freedom, a dash of intellectual stimulation, a handful of interaction with others, and plenty of passion appears to be the winning concoction (so far… it’s a work in progress).  But it took a lot of trying new things and looking inward to determine what I really wanted.  Don’t be afraid to look deep within to figure out what your heart really wants.  It may take some time to fully evolve (like, an entire lifetime), so keep listening.

2)       Have faith in your dream, but use realistic measures to create it.  A lot of people are afraid of reaching for their dreams.  As a Coach, one of my biggest challenges is helping people realize that their ideal career actually is possible!  Sometimes when we have a dream, all we can see are the obstacles keeping us from achieving that dream.  Let yourself fantasize about everything you could do with your life – then get a realistic plan in place to overcome potential obstacles.  Ask yourself what you need to do to make your dream happen.  Then break it down until you have a list of achievable goals.  This is one of the most important elements of a successful career transition.

3)       Stay focused.  Anyone who has tried to switch careers after achieving some semblance of success in a previous one is bound to ask the question, “is this really worth the effort?  I’ve already got a good life – why am I putting myself through this?”  It’s a good question, and it’s good to re-evaluate your plan from time to time.  But don’t give up when the going gets tough.  If you followed the first two steps, then you know you’re on the right path – just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep working toward your dreams.

4)       Keep your balance.  That said, make sure you take some time out for yourself.  When we’re overwhelmed with a lot of responsibilities (as anyone shifting careers is bound to be), it’s easy to prioritize work and paying bills and cleaning the house. But keeping up a schedule of non-stop drudgery is exhausting.  Remind yourself to take time out for YOU everyday.  It’s okay to leave the dirty dishes in the sink or respond to all of those emails tomorrow…. The world won’t end.  Just make sure you reserve a little relaxation time for yourself so you can keep up your energy… you’re going to need it!

5)       Re-evaluate your plan.  Even when we’re positive we’ve found the right path, life has a habit of throwing a few curve balls at us.  Case in point – I was certain I found my dream career when I started working toward my master’s degree in marriage and family therapy and adult development.  Two years later, I learned about life coaching, and realized THAT was a much better fit for me.  Now even a couple of years later, I’m shifting my focus from coaching to writing and doing seminars…  Sometimes even the perfect dream will change.  Allow your plan to evolve and grow as you do.

6)       Ignore your gremlins.  Gremlins are those nasty little voices in our head that create fear and paralysis, such as “what were you thinking?!  You can’t just go back to school when you’re 50!  You’re too old!” or “What makes you think you can go for that big promotion?  You’re not nearly smart enough.”  Gremlins are scary because they’re usually unconscious limiting beliefs that we repeat in our minds, which keeps us from doing exactly what we want to do with our lives.  As you step outside of your comfort zone (as you will when you change careers), gremlins will show up more frequently, generally masked as trying to keep you “safe”.   Don’t let your gremlins keep you from pursuing your dreams.  Stay aware of the thoughts you allow in your mind, and tell those negative little gremlins to beat it.

7)       Build a support network.  Most people rely on their network of friends and family when challenges arise in their everyday life.  But sometimes when we make significant changes in our lives, our friends and family are the first people to discourage us.  Why?  Because they have an incentive to maintain the status quo.  By changing your life, you are threatening the stability and familiarity of those closest to you.  Be understanding of their fears, and keep them included as you make your changes.  But until they’re able to be fully supportive, find a group of people who are less invested in the “old you.”  This could be a professional association, an alumni group, a mentor, or new classmates.  Choose to surround yourself with people who understand what you’re going through, and will give you the courage you need to move forward, regardless of how difficult it seems at times.

8)       Learn from your mistakes.  As a recovering perfectionist, this has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn.  At the risk of stating the obvious, you’re going to make mistakes as you move into a new career.  You’re learning new skills, which is never easy (especially after acquiring some level of competency in your old career).  Instead of getting annoyed with everything you’re doing wrong, ask yourself what you can take from the situation.  How can you apply what you’ve learned to future situations?  Become the King (or Queen) of Receiving Constructive Feedback.  It may not feel good at times, but you’ll excel much faster.  And in the long run, you’ll be better at your new career as a result.

9)       Celebrate small successes.  When I was younger, there was always some sort of reward for putting effort into learning something new.  In third grade I used to get a gold star for every book I read.  I got stickers for correctly spelling all 10 words on my spelling test.  I got a lollipop for doing well on my math test. We don’t have nearly as many rewards for our efforts in the Real World.  Instead, we have bills and crying babies and traffic jams.  Changing careers means that you’re taking on even MORE responsibility… you’re going above and beyond.  Give yourself rewards every step of the way.  Treat yourself to a foot massage when you send your resume to a prospective employer, or let yourself enjoy a 30-minute television show for getting a good grade on a test.  Celebrate all of the little successes that contribute to your creating your ideal life.  Believe me, you deserve it!

10)   Enjoy the ride.  Humans have this tendency to want to avoid discomfort.  We want things to be happy and fun and conflict-free at all times.  And making real changes in our lives seems to bring on the opposite: uncertainty, stress and instability.  But what I always have to remind myself as I go through big changes (career transition or anything else), is that life is all about the peaks and valleys.  Sometimes I’m going to have a great day, or even a great week.  And I try to appreciate those times when they’re around.  Then when the inevitable valley approaches, I remind myself that this is what life is all about.  I wouldn’t be experiencing those peaks (which are awesome!) if I couldn’t work through those valleys at times too.  Being uncertain and uncomfortable just means that I am allowing myself to experience life as thoroughly as possible.  The peaks always come back, so just holding on and embracing the valleys helps me learn whatever lesson I’m supposed to be learning.

Changing careers (or going through any other type of life transition) is never easy.  It’s always tempting to run back to our old lifestyle, simply because it’s predictable and familiar and generally requires a lot less effort.  But personal growth in life requires that we allow ourselves to move out of our comfort zones.  Enjoy it, learn from it, and get excited about it!  This is what life is all about!

Domestic Violence: Why Abused Victims Stay

A follow up from yesterday's post regarding signs of an abusive relationship. Again, never a pleasant topic, but this information can be critical if you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship. If you suspect someone you know is being abused, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or visit their website at http://www.ndvh.org.

Sarah

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Why Do Abused Victims Stay?
by Maria Vera, Ph.D
October 19, 2006

It can be difficult for many people to understand why a person would stay in an abusive relationship. But there are many reasons. Strong emotional and psychological forces keep the victim tied to the abuser. Sometimes situational realities like a lack of money keep the victim from leaving. The reasons for staying vary from one victim to the next, and they usually involve several factors.

Emotional reasons for staying

- belief that the abusive partner will change because of his remorse and promises to stop battering
- fear of the abuser who threatens to kill the victim if abuse is reported to anyone
- insecurity about living alone
- lack of emotional support
- guilt over the failure of the relationship
- attachment to the partner
- fear of making major life changes
- feeling responsible for the abuse
- feeling helpless, hopeless and trapped
- belief that she is the only one who can help the abuser with his problems

Situational reasons for staying

- economic dependence on the abuser
- fear of physical harm to self or children
- fear of emotional damage to the children who need two parents, even if one is abusive
- fear of losing custody of the children because the abuser threatens to take the children if victim tries to leave
- lack of occupational skills
- social isolation and lack of support because abuser is often the victim’s only support system
- lack of information regarding community resources
- belief that law enforcement will not take her seriously
- lack of alternative housing
- cultural or religious constrains

Issues specific to women

Women, in particular, can experience hesitant and contradictory feelings and thoughts about the abusive partner and the relationship. These are some common reactions of the victim toward the abuser’s behavior and actions that can keep the woman in the relationship:

- feels emotionally attached to the abuser, but also feels anger toward him which she denies is grateful toward abuser for small acts of kindness and tends to explain away his violence
- is very attentive to the abuser’s needs with the mistaken belief that she will be able to anticipate his needs and prevent the beatings
- believes that the abuser will change
- believes that he needs her and feels guilty about leaving him
- may use alcohol or other drugs to cope with the anxiety, fear or depression
- justifies the violence and feels responsible for it

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FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If
you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

Domestic Violence: Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

I've recently been supporting a loved one in leaving an abusive relationship, so this topic has been on my mind lately. It's not something that many people want to talk about, but it's important to get the information out there.

If you suspect you or a loved one is involved in an abusive relationship, get help immediately. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. You can also visit their website at
http://www.ndvh.org.

I found this article (as well as tomorrow's follow-up post, "Why Abused Victims Stay") on a fantastic website: http://www.psychcentral.com. Check it out if you have time.

Sarah

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Self Quiz: Am I in an Abusive Relationship?
by Toby D. Goldsmith, MD
October 19, 2006

Below are some questions and checklists to help you determine if you are in an abusive relationship.[...] Consider the following two checklists.

The first list includes signs of emotional abuse. You are probably the victim of emotional abuse if your partner:

- Repeatedly gives you destructive criticism, verbal threats and browbeating.
- Always claims to be right.
- Excludes you from making decisions and claims to be the head of the household.
- Abuses your trust by lying, hiding important information and papers, cheating or being inappropriately jealous.
- Minimizes or denies abusive behavior.
- Constantly shows disrespect, puts you down or embarrasses you in front of others.
- Harasses you by following you or checking up on you.
- Prevents you from seeing your relatives or friends or insists on going everywhere with you.
- Monitors your phone calls.

The next list includes signs of physical abuse. You are a victim of physical abuse if your partner:

- Intimidates you through angry or threatening gestures.
- Destroys your belongings or household items.
- Coerces you to have sex or perform sexual acts against your will.
- Kicks, bites, stabs, pushes, burns or chokes you.
- Uses weapons to threaten or harm you or others you love.

If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, or experience these forms of emotional and physical abuse in your relationship, you should seek help. Abuse is not acceptable behavior and is not something you should just learn to live with.

Don’t be a victim that keeps this a silent disease. Seek help from relatives, friends, law enforcement or community resources. With their help, you may be able to stop the abuse or, if necessary, leave the relationship. Realize that once the abuse has started, it will nearly always get worse.

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FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If
you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

Ladies: Why We Need Our Girlfriends

I’ve always been a “guy’s girl”. I enjoy watching Sunday football at a sports bar on a crisp Autumn day. I hate gossip and drama. I can laugh at myself and take a good deal of heckling (most of the time… I have my moments). As a result, my group of friends has usually consisted of far more guys than girls. Sure, I’ve had my share of token girlfriends for those critical Saturday nights when I need to know if that skirt goes with those shoes (the boys just don’t have a clue when it comes to that stuff – trust me).

But recently having a great group of girlfriends has become much more important to me than in years past. I’m not sure why…. Maybe I’m just getting older (boys come and go - blah, blah, blah). Maybe I’ve overdosed on men after living in Park City for the last year, where the ratio is 10 guys to every girl. Maybe I just miss having someone around who is as excited about getting a pedicure as I am. I don’t know. But after realizing how rare and precious having really great girlfriends actually is, here’s what I’ve learned to appreciate the most:

1) A great girlfriend is there for you. A really great girlfriend won’t hesitate to bring you magazines, movies and chicken soup when you’re sick. She’ll be the first one knocking at your door with chocolate chip cookie dough and tissues when your boyfriend dumps you. And you’ll always be able to count on her to tell you how kick-ass you look in your new jeans. There’s something special about women where we just naturally feel the need to BE there for each other. You can’t put a price on that kind of loyalty.

2) A great girlfriend can relate to your problems. Whether you’re dealing with the glass ceiling at the office or having to break things off with a needy guy, a girlfriend is going to “get” where you’re coming from. She understands what you’re going through, not because you’re describing it so well, but because she’s been there herself. She knows the nuances of the experiences you’re dealing with. There’s an unspoken understanding among women that you can’t find just anywhere.

3) A great girlfriend understands the value of depth. I love having a beer with my guy friends, but I connect with my girlfriends though our meaningful conversations about life. We talk about our feelings and process our emotions (a man’s greatest fear!). We connect through analyzing our inner selves. We gain wisdom about love, careers, friendships, and spirituality. Talking to my girlfriends gives me an opportunity to reflect on where I am in life and whether I’m on the right track.

4) A great girlfriend actively supports your dreams. A really great girlfriend is your biggest cheerleader. She’ll encourage you to pursue your life goals (Grad school? Travel around the world? Joining the Peace Corp?) She’ll be there for you when you feel like giving up. She’ll help you find the motivation you need to persevere through difficult challenges. She’ll listen as you re-evaluate your life goals. She’ll even hold your hand when you give up on certain dreams (marrying the wrong guy, going to law school because your parents wanted you to). A great girlfriend doesn’t just blindly support you – she is actively engaged and invested in your happiness, and does everything she can to make sure you are following your true path.

I could probably come up with a lot of other reasons why having girlfriends is so important to me these days. But here’s the bottom line: my girlfriends offer genuine acceptance in my life. They never expect me to be anyone other than who I already am. However, they cheer me on as I pursue my personal growth and create an authentic life from one day to the next. And at the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about.

Burnout: 5 Warning Signs that You're Doing Too Much

I thought I was over the hurry-up, crazy-busy phase of my life. After all, that was the whole point of leaving behind the bustling metropolis of Boston in the first place (well, one of them). When I arrived in Park City, Utah, I envisioned long bike rides and relaxing evenings with friends. I had dreams of leisurely mornings where I meditated and enjoyed my tea on the patio as the sun came up. My job would be rewarding yet stress-free and all of my problems would melt away in this beautiful mountain resort town. I would be a model of balance, calm and utmost kindness.

Not so much.

Turns out, I’m just as busy in Park City as I was in Boston or San Francisco. And finally, after months of doing too much, I surrendered to the exhaustion. Now, after 3 days of self-imposed reflection (okay, I had the flu), I recognize a few of the warning signs that led to my ultimate burnout. Are any of these red flags familiar to you?

Sign No. 1: Snapping at friends and family. I’m generally a lovely person. Really. I’m sweet and fun and full of energy. So when I find myself taking off the heads of my loved ones, I know I must be getting overwhelmed.

What to do: Look deeper and figure out what you really need. Then ask for it. Do you need some time to yourself? Do you need a hug and a sympathetic friend to vent to? Do you need help with carpool or grocery shopping? Go ahead - ask for what you need. I promise, you’ll get a much better reaction than yelling at your loved ones for no reason.

Sign No. 2: Letting personal hobbies fall by the wayside. There are a few things that I know will make me feel calmer: meditating, writing in my journal, reading in a coffee shop, going for a walk. So why do I avoid these activities at all costs when I’m stressed out? Here are some of the reasons I tell myself: “I’m too busy for that silly stuff! I have real work to do!” Or “If I slow down for long, then I’ll drop all of the little balls I’ve been juggling. I’ll lose control and won’t be able to stop the world from caving in.” Or (more subconsciously) “What if I really am doing too much – what would I do about all of these commitments? I’ll have to (gasp!) let other people down! Never! I’ll just get out of bed an hour earlier every morning.”

What to do: Enjoy some personal time every day. Force yourself to take a time-out, even if it’s just for 20 minutes a day. Take the time to stop, breathe and connect with yourself. Just too busy, you say? Then write down all of your commitments, and cross the least important item off the list. Then plan on doing something for yourself in your new free time.

Sign No. 3: Running late. Okay, I’m not always the most punctual person on the planet. But when I’m really doing too much, I get even later. Five minutes late becomes an hour late. My friends get annoyed with me, and then I get resentful because, hey, at least I made it (don’t they KNOW how precious my time is!?!). My life becomes one big rush, and I never feel like I have time to slow down.

What to do: Plan ahead and schedule extra time in your calendar. If you think it’s going to take you 10 minutes to get to that meeting across town, plan on 30 minutes. If you’re certain you’ll be home by 6:00 PM, tell your family you’ll be home at 6:30. Trick yourself into being on time until you can accurately assess how long your activities really take. This will help you avoid over-committing your time.

Sign No. 4: Channeling Debbie Downer. If you’re a Saturday Night Live fan, you’ll recognize this reference. When I’m doing too much, my mood darkens. All of a sudden, the wonderful things I used to appreciate about my life vanish, and I zero in on anything that could become a problem. I worry. Then I complain. A lot.

What to do: If you have an incredible urge to find the worst in every situation, you’re probably on the verge of burnout. Write down all of your complaints of the day. Go ahead, include that you’ll never get that promotion because, clearly, you’re too fat. And your best friend must be mad at you because she hasn’t called in over three days. Just go for it and really get it out. Then take that list, and force yourself to turn every complaint into something positive. For example, “my job is boring and meaningless” would become “my job gives me the freedom to live in my beautiful home and support my three children, but I’m ready for a change.”

Sign No. 5: Becoming a Control Freak. When I’m relaxed in life, I go with the flow. I adapt to different situations. I’m flexible. Even challenges seem like fun little games rather than issues to me. But when I’m doing too much, suddenly it’s crucial that I get everything right. There is NO room for error. I become super-serious. My propensity for perfection kicks in. I try to plan for every little speed bump that could possibly come up, because God knows if one little thing goes wrong, it’ll blow the whole works.

What to do: Don’t hold on so tight. Step back and realize that life isn’t that serious. It’s okay to screw up, or to turn in one project past the deadline, or even (gasp!) tell people “no.” When you find yourself trying to micro-manage your life, you’re holding on too tight. Stop trying to control everything, and tell yourself that you’re only one person, you can only do so much, and life is meant to be enjoyed.

Conclusion

I’m reading a book right now called Slowing Down to the Speed of Life, by Richard Carlson (he also authored Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… and It’s All Small Stuff). In his book, Carlson points out that we cannot change our external environment and expect our overall lifestyle to follow suit. External changes are superficial. They may appear to fix all of your problems on the surface, but ultimately you’ll just revert back to your old ways in time (prime example: my ability to burnout in the middle of one of the most serene vacation spots on the planet). In order to make lasting changes, we have to change within first, and then watch our external experiences change as a result of that internal shift. It’s not easy, but creating peace within ourselves is the only way to truly avoid burnout.

Is Fear Holding You Back?

I consider myself pretty daring.  I went to college at the age of 15.  I traveled around Thailand by myself - without a guidebook, a hotel or a return flight - for a month when I was 21.  I moved across the country twice in one year.  I started my own business when I was 25.  I've been skydiving three times.  For the most part, I like scaring myself.  I love the thrill that comes with facing a seemingly impossible challenge and having to survive it (or better yet, figure out how to grow from it).

So why is it that fear absolutely paralyzes me at other times in my life?  Why does the notion of marriage freak me out?  Why does asking a new client to sign up for my services make me sweat?  Why can't I even contemplate putting that piece of raw fish in my mouth?  Why is it that fear has such a hold on me under certain circumstances, and not under others? 

Here's the scientific explanation:  fear is a human's natural response in the face of danger.  The sensation of fear is meant to keep us safe from harm and help us survive in this barbaric world.  Okay, I get that.  And sure, sometimes that internal warning system comes in handy.  Except... life isn't as barbaric as it used to be.  Instead of bows and arrows we have Beavis and Butthead.  Instead of running from wild buffalo, we have McDonalds on every corner.  Modern life is convenient, not overtly dangerous.  Certainly my survival doesn't depend on my escaping that plate of sushi.  But my fear-o-meter is still operating in overdrive.  Why?

I am still figuring out the answer to this question, but there are definitely certain types of fears that cause me to curl up and hide more than others.  Here are the fears that I find paralyze me the most:

1) Fear of Failure.  This is a biggie.  I don't know too many people who aren’t afraid of failure.  Especially for Generation-Yers (you twenty-somethings out there).  We've been trained to believe that every choice we make today will have an irreversible impact on the rest of our life.  Our parents had us on waiting lists for the best pre-school so we could get into the most prestigious prep-school, so we would be guaranteed acceptance into the most exclusive university, which would then of course lead us to the best-paying job and the fastest route to retirement.  And with all of those other 3 year-olds to compete with, there was NO room for failure.

The problem with this fear, though, is that the biggest payoffs in life generally require the biggest risks.  And if you let your fear of failure control your actions, you're wasting precious time living a life of mediocrity rather than the life you really want to live.  Instead, just go for it and consider every "failure" a lesson to be applied in the future.  We're all here to make the most of this life, and learning from our mistakes is part of that process.

2) Fear of embarrassment. Another popular fear.  I'm sure you've heard that more people would rather die than speak in public.  Why?  Actually, I just read an article (I think it was on www.msn.com) about why people fear embarrassment.  The answer: we don't like to stand out in a crowd in any way, because when we were insects (before we evolved into the super-duper humans we are today), standing out meant that bigger, meaner insects were sizing you up before eating you.  That's right, those who stood out opened themselves up to death.  Today (since I don't know many people who've been gobbled up by insects lately), I think that fear has evolved into a fear of criticism or loss of esteem from our peers.

Here's my question to you (okay, and to myself):  what's so bad about being criticized or laughed at by your peers?  Who cares if you lose face?  At least you're out there trying.  Sure, it’s always nicer to be showered with praise and to receive validation about how wonderful you are.  But not trying new things isn't going to get you very far in life.  Plus, we always have the right to filter the criticisms that come our way.  We can decide that someone's opinion is wrong, and then move on.  We don't have to take everything other people say at face value.  Know yourself, and this fear will probably diminish (at least a little).

3)  Fear of commitment. This is a particularly big fear of mine (note the hyper-ventilating when the topic of  marriage comes up).  I was raised in the 80s and early 90s when being a self-sufficient woman was all-important.  I was taught to rely on myself first, and only ask for help when I absolutely needed it.  After trying to live up to my Superwoman fantasy for quite some time now, I've realized that relying on myself does two things: a) it wipes me out (seriously, I am exhausted from all of this Superwoman stuff); and b) it pushes people away.  Being in a relationship with a wonderful guy who actually wants to make my life easier should be a simple thing to indulge.  But my fear of losing my independence and having to rely on him for everything scares me.

Here's my problem with this fear: I'm basing my actions on black/white thinking.  I go from one extreme (I have to do everything myself!) to fearing the other extreme (if I let him help me, he'll take over my life!  No way!).  Even writing those words right now makes me realize how ridiculous this fear is.  It's all about balance.  I don't have to give up total control of my life.  I can still keep my career, my friends, my hobbies, my personal time, my family, my identity.... The really important things will stay intact, if I put the effort into maintaining them.  So these days I'm trying to shift from uber-independence to inter-dependence.  We'll see how it goes.

Conclusion

I think the main difference between fears that hold me back vs. fears that are exciting and fun is simply my acknowledgement of them.  The fears I enjoy facing are the ones I've identified as (irrational) fears.  Obviously it's going to scare the bejeesus out of me to jump out of an airplane.  Duh.  So what?  Let’s go!  But when fear is lurking under the surface and out of my awareness, I'm much more prone to retreat.  Don't let fear hold you back.  Identify your fears and press on... life is waiting for you!

 

Perfectionists Beware: 4 Things You're Missing Out On

For most of my life, I've been afraid of making mistakes - afraid of looking like a fool, afraid of having to do something more than once, afraid that people will think that I'm not "good enough" or "smart enough". I remember in 6th grade, a teacher of mine wrote the following comment on my report card: "Sarah fakes it till she makes it." I was completely offended. I decided then and there that no one would accuse me of "faking it" in life again. Behold the birth of a perfectionist.

What I didn't realize was that the life of the perfectionist isn't always that rosy either. It takes a lot of work to avoid making mistakes! You spend an obscene amount of time double- and triple-checking little details. You try to predict all possible outcomes of a situation so you can be prepared for anything. You get annoyed with yourself when you DO make a mistake (since - inevitably - the world will conspire to catch us off guard). I suppose that's the biggest problem with being a perfectionist: it's an impossible goal.
It's taken me a long time (my whole adult life!) to realize that being a perfectionist isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've started to realize that I'm missing out on (or, more accurately, avoiding) some of the best parts of this journey called life, simply because I've been afraid of being fallible, of being human. Well, as a recovering perfectionist, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind other perfectionists out there of what they're missing:

1) Free time. Since it's no longer necessary to be awesome at everything I do, I've been able to define those things that I KNOW I'm just not very good at (like math, for one). Acknowledging my personal limitations in certain areas has freed me up to focus on the things I know I really am good at (and actually enjoy doing!). I don't spend nearly as much time trying to kick ass at something that I don't naturally excel at.

2) Self-Love. It's a wonderful feeling to allow yourself to just be who you are. When you stop trying so hard to make it look like you've got everything under control, all of a sudden you lose the need to prove to anyone else that you're a good person. Your natural strengths and weaknesses just are what they are. More than that, your strengths and weaknesses make you completely unique. Instead of a robot that's just like everyone else, you become a rare and precious person. You become dynamic and interesting. It's much easier to appreciate yourself when you learn to love your shortfalls just as much as your talents.

3) Connection with others. There's a great line in the movie "Two Weeks Notice" with Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock. Sandra Bullock plays a stuffy (perfectionist) attorney who works for Hugh Grant, a fun-loving, successful business man. At the end of the movie, Hugh's character finally tells Sandra's: "Nobody likes Saints. Saints are boring!" It's true! How many people do you want to hang out with who correct your grammar all the time, tell you all about their accomplishments and follow along behind you to fix your mistakes? I don't know about you, but I'd rather spend time with the person who can laugh at themselves and enjoy life. As a bonus, being imperfect actually endears you to others. All of a sudden, people not only tolerate you, they can relate to you.

4) Valuable life lessons. People always say we learn the most from our failures, our mistakes. I think there are other ways to learn valuable lessons in life as well, but this way really does work! Every so often, I'll screw up big-time. I'll go for the gold, and I'll end up barely finishing last. But what I learn from those experiences is that it's really NOT about the accomplishment. It's not about the thing we're trying to achieve. It's about building solid personal character, and allowing life to seep into our bones. The destination may be a nice bonus, but the journey is really what it's all about. Take the time to appreciate the little steps along the way, and when you get to the end of the road, you'll look back with some fantastic memories (and maybe even a few stories to tell your grandchildren).

One of my favorite quotes is: "Life is not meant to be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, well preserved body. Instead live life to the fullest... slide in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other screaming "WOOOHOOO what a ride!!" You're simply not going to have a wild ride if you're trying like hell to make it all perfect. Just go for it, don't worry so much, and enjoy the ride!

Self-Reliance: 7 Tips for Finding Your Strength Within

I've always been a big believer in having an extensive support system. Being able to rely on your loved ones is one of the most powerful tools you can use to get through a difficult time (or to celebrate happy occasions!). But I've noticed a recent trend where we're starting to rely on our "urban tribes" even more than ourselves. Our friends and family become all-powerful sources of wisdom. They help us analyze situations, make decisions and then examine the outcome of those choices. In order to really make it through all of the ups and downs we'll experience throughout our lifetime, it's absolutely critical that we are able to rely on ourselves first. Here are a few ways to make sure your most important relationship, the one with yourself, is as strong as possible.

1. Connect with yourself on a daily basis. With all of the distractions at our fingertips these days, it's so easy to avoid getting in touch with who we really are. But until we know and truly understand ourselves from within, we'll never be strong enough to rely on ourselves. Begin a daily ritual that helps you connect with your deepest feelings, thoughts and values. Do yoga, meditate, read, journal, go for a walk, etc. Whatever you decide to do, spend this time alone with yourself, and try to do it when you won't be interrupted.

2. Embrace your challenges. We all face challenges in life. There's just no getting around it. So why do so many people try to avoid them? What would happen if we just embraced difficult situations, and accepted them as lessons that are coming up to help us grow as individuals? What if it were okay to be uncomfortable? Stop resisting the challenges that come your way, and start looking beyond the surface of the problem. Start allowing difficult situations to open you up to new ways of approaching life.

3. Be patient with yourself. Sometimes we're pretty clear on how to overcome our challenges, and other times we don't have the first clue. When you find yourself in the middle of a difficult situation, try to resist the temptation to react as quickly as possible in order to restore comfort in your life. Resisting your difficulties only makes them more pronounced. But truly experiencing your challenges and working through them will help you overcome them for good. Be patient and allow the right solution to arise when it's time. Trust that you can survive this challenge.

4. Get support from others, but take it all with a grain of salt. No one else on this planet knows you the way you know yourself. No one else has had your experiences. No one else understands your exact perspective on the world. They all see the world from their own vantage point. Getting advice or seeking clarity from people you trust is a helpful tool to use in coming up with the right solution to a problem. But in the end, no one else can live your life for you. Make sure you keep in touch with what you ultimately want, not what others think is best for you.

5. Follow your intuition. How can you make sure you're approaching a problem in the best way possible? The most effective tool I've found is my intuition. It's easy to get caught up in other people's opinions about life and to second-guess your natural reactions, but once you learn to trust your instincts, you'll find that you're led down the right path more often than not.

6. Take ownership of your choices. It's easy to look outside of ourselves for the cause of our current reality. But every single choice you've made in your life has led you to where you are today. On the surface it seems easier to blame outside influences for our plight. But here's a secret: taking ownership of your choices allows you to regain control of your life. By taking responsibility for your choices, you get to make new ones that will allow you to create the reality you really want in the future.

7. Get in the driver's seat. Ultimately, you are the only one in this world who can create your ideal life. Relying on yourself means trusting yourself above all others, following your heart and owning your responsibility to make this life as amazing as possible. Take charge of your life and make sure you're the one making the final decisions.

Unmotivated? 7 Tips for Getting Back in the Groove

I have to be honest. . . the last thing I want to do right now is write an article. I'm blaming it on the beautiful spring weather. Or perhaps I'm just burned out and I need a break. No wait, I'm tired because I had to get up early this morning. Yeah, that's it. . .

Regardless of my excuses (believe me, I could probably come up with at least 10 or 20 more), the fact remains that I have a completely blank newsletter with space for one brilliant article, and loyal readers expecting nothing less than profound words of wisdom. So what's a tired, burned-out spring fever sufferer to do? Well, here's what I'm going to try:

1) Acceptance. Have you ever tried to simply observe how you're feeling, without judging it or trying to change it? Sometimes trying to force myself to work on a project when I don't want to triggers the rebellious teenager in me ("you can't make me!"), which certainly doesn't help my motivation. On the other hand, I find that taking a step back and accepting how I feel in the moment helps me to work through those feelings a lot faster.

2) Slowing down. I'm one of those productive, ambitious types. I can't really help it - there's so much I want to do with my time, that sitting around doing nothing is hard for me. But I've learned over the years that sometimes doing nothing is exactly what I need to regain my motivation. Slowing down and re-connecting with my thoughts and my feelings helps me tap back into the creativity and passion that was temporarily blocked.

3) Breaking up the task. Okay, so what about those projects that simply can't be ignored or put aside until we naturally regain our motivation? Things like newsletter deadlines, or making dinner for the kids, or that big presentation that's due on Monday? How do you get motivated when the ticking of the clock is all you can hear? I've found that breaking up the task (whatever it is) into small pieces helps me get one foot in front of the other. Am I taking my precious time in accomplishing the task? Well, yes. . . at first. But at least I have forward motion. And once I've tricked myself into getting the job done, somewhere in the process my motivation seems to find its way back to me.

4) Delegating. Another tool - find someone else to help with the task at hand (or to take it over completely!). We're all going to have days where we just can't get our behinds in gear. What's saved me in those moments is having a solid support system that I can rely on to take over when I can't bring myself to be productive. Of course, I have to pitch in for them once in a while too, but that give-and-take can definitely help take the pressure off of performing when you're not in the mood.

5) Negotiating. I find that most of my deadlines aren't set in stone. A lot of them are negotiable, which means I have an opportunity to buy myself some time to get motivated. If I am feeling pressured to complete a task and I'm just not in the right head-space to do it, I ask myself whether this is a firm deadline, or is it something that can be postponed a few days (or even a few hours).

6) Get organized. Sometimes I find that what I'm feeling isn't even a lack of motivation - it's overwhelm. I'm the type of person who can't sit down and concentrate on a project when my house is a mess or if I have too much to do and don't know where to start. In these instances, it helps to give myself 30 minutes to get organized before I try to tackle the main project.

7) Just do it. And sometimes (like today), I really do just have to suck it up. Would I rather be outside riding my bike in the gorgeous weather or taking an afternoon nap? Sure. . . but sometimes life beckons and all you can do is follow through with your responsibilities.

And with that said, I'm off to enjoy the last few hours of sunshine in the park.

An Unsettled Life: Adjusting to Change

It's been nearly 3 months since I left my long-term boyfriend, my puppy, my job and my home in Boston to move to Park City, UT.  After years of trying to make a life that wasn't mine fit like a square peg in a round hole, I finally decided to seek out a more fulfilling and authentic existence.  I took a chance, left everything I knew, and have been trying to create a whole new life ever since.  Has my experience (so far) changed me?  Definitely.  Has it been difficult?  Absolutely.  Would I do it all over again?  In a heartbeat.  And here's why....

What I've Learned From Living an Unsettled Life:

1)  It's okay to receive help from others.  Being an incredibly independent and self-sufficient person has its benefits.  You feel like you have control over your life.  You can do what you want.  You feel confident that if need be, you can survive on your own....  But here's the downside: that "I can do it myself" attitude doesn't allow you to experience the connection that comes from simply receiving goodwill from someone else.  Actually allowing someone to help you requires a little humility, which I've never really been all that comfortable with.  To me, it's always seemed easier to appear strong and capable, and to just do everything myself.  But what I've learned is that humans are generally very generous people.  It makes us feel good to lend a helping hand.  And something I've missed over the years, as an Independent Wo-Man, was feeling that appreciation and gratitude when someone else helped me, just make my life a little easier.  Receiving that sort of kindness from someone else has softened me in a good way.

2)  You can't always plan everything.  You may remember an article I wrote a few months ago, entitled "Planners vs. Doers".  In that article, I described my need to make plans and organize my life down to every last detail.  Making so many big changes all at once has actually taught me to "go with the flow" a little more.  My natural inclination is to plan everything out, so I know what to expect.  But lately the more I've tried to plan, the more my plans have failed miserably.  So instead, I've been practicing just letting things unfold naturally, and responding to each moment as it comes up.  I listen to my instincts a little more these days.  As a result, my life is evolving in ways I never would have imagined.

3)  It's okay to be scared.  There's an excitement to re-creating your life.  All of a sudden, anything is possible and the world is full of new opportunities.  However, I've certainly had my share of days where I've wondered, "what was I thinking?!"  Not knowing what's going to happen next can be exciting at times, but it can also bring up a lot of fears.  At first, I resisted feeling scared.  I told myself to snap out of it and go do something productive to feel better.  But one day I just decided to embrace the fear.  I stopped trying to fix it, or talk myself out of it, or ignore it.  I just allowed myself to be really scared.  I accepted what I was feeling, and within a day or two, the excitement returned and I felt okay.  I'm sure I'll have more "off" days, but I've come to really appreciate the "off" days just as much as the "good" days.  Those raw feelings indicate that I'm on a life-changing journey; one that is unpredictable, real and pure.

Would I like to be settled again one day?  Sure... that sounds pretty nice, especially these days.  But I'm also trying to appreciate this experience for what it is: a chance to explore who I really am and what I really want; a chance to test my limits a little; a chance to carve out a life for myself that makes me truly happy.  We all have the ability to make great changes in our lives.  The question is: how will you feel when you actually do it?